Probably one of the most common questions I get as I teach young single adults is:
“How can I know if this is right?"
Because of the doctrine of eternal marriage, our perspective on marriage is very different from the world.
Our marriages are meant to last forever.
And so when we are progressing in a relationship that looks like it has potential, we not only are trying to figure out if we can make a relationship work with the other person, but if we can make something eternal and celestial with the other person.
So, how can you know if you are in a healthy relationship?
How can you know if a relationship should continue, especially if some issues have come up?
What should you look for in another person?
How do you know if something is a concern or just a personality quirk?
I created this "Flags in Dating" lesson to answer some of those questions with some principles that govern healthy relationships. What these flags hopefully do is help categorize, or even "rate," the issues that come up in relationships, to help us better understand what things we can overlook and what things might be deal breakers.
So let's get started.
As you go through the dating process and get to know someone better, flags will begin to appear.
I have divided them up into Green, Yellow, Orange and Red flags.
Like traffic signals, each one helps you know how you should proceed in a relationship:
One thing to understand, though, is that flags are not events.
They are patterns.
(This is one of the reasons you are counseled to actually "date" someone, as opposed to "hanging out" or having a long distance or "internet" relationship. You cannot see patterns unless you are with that person over a certain period of time in many different situations.)
If you go on a date with someone and they are really nice on that first date, that is great. But that’s not a pattern. That’s an event.
Going on more than one date usually helps you see if they are truly a nice person. If after dating someone, you notice something you’re not quite sure about, it might not necessarily be a deal breaker.
It might have been a one-time event.
Watch for patterns in behavior not singular events.
Another thing to understand is that our concerns or qualities we are looking for in a spouse should be based on doctrine and principles, not preference.
A young girl said to me one time, “I don’t think I can marry this guy because I don’t like his last name.”
That’s a preference.
Or, “She has everything I want, but she’s just not pretty enough for me.”
Now, you should be physically attracted to the person you eventually marry. Absolutely. But we have to make sure our definition of who we can marry is based on principle instead of preference,
So, let’s look at what these different flags are.
“How can I know if this is right?"
Because of the doctrine of eternal marriage, our perspective on marriage is very different from the world.
Our marriages are meant to last forever.
And so when we are progressing in a relationship that looks like it has potential, we not only are trying to figure out if we can make a relationship work with the other person, but if we can make something eternal and celestial with the other person.
So, how can you know if you are in a healthy relationship?
How can you know if a relationship should continue, especially if some issues have come up?
What should you look for in another person?
How do you know if something is a concern or just a personality quirk?
I created this "Flags in Dating" lesson to answer some of those questions with some principles that govern healthy relationships. What these flags hopefully do is help categorize, or even "rate," the issues that come up in relationships, to help us better understand what things we can overlook and what things might be deal breakers.
So let's get started.
As you go through the dating process and get to know someone better, flags will begin to appear.
I have divided them up into Green, Yellow, Orange and Red flags.
Like traffic signals, each one helps you know how you should proceed in a relationship:
- They help you decide if you want to date someone.
- They help you determine if the relationship is healthy.
- They help you see what might make a relationship work and what might make it really difficult to continue.
- And they also help you develop the skills of revelation. Each one of these flags, in a sense, is a form of revelation – or something that reveals to you knowledge you didn’t know before.
One thing to understand, though, is that flags are not events.
They are patterns.
(This is one of the reasons you are counseled to actually "date" someone, as opposed to "hanging out" or having a long distance or "internet" relationship. You cannot see patterns unless you are with that person over a certain period of time in many different situations.)
If you go on a date with someone and they are really nice on that first date, that is great. But that’s not a pattern. That’s an event.
Going on more than one date usually helps you see if they are truly a nice person. If after dating someone, you notice something you’re not quite sure about, it might not necessarily be a deal breaker.
It might have been a one-time event.
Watch for patterns in behavior not singular events.
Another thing to understand is that our concerns or qualities we are looking for in a spouse should be based on doctrine and principles, not preference.
A young girl said to me one time, “I don’t think I can marry this guy because I don’t like his last name.”
That’s a preference.
Or, “She has everything I want, but she’s just not pretty enough for me.”
Now, you should be physically attracted to the person you eventually marry. Absolutely. But we have to make sure our definition of who we can marry is based on principle instead of preference,
So, let’s look at what these different flags are.
GREEN FLAGS |
The first kind of flags we’re going to look at are Green Flags.
We all know green means go.
And so green flags mean you can begin or continue in a relationship.
A GREEN FLAG MIGHT LOOK LIKE THIS:
- - You are comfortable being around that person
- - You have some similar goals and interests
- - You seem to be on a similar page when it comes to the gospel
- - As you learn more about them, you feel good about continuing to date them
- - The way the other person handles difficult situations seems to be in harmony with gospel truths and principles
- - The other person has a desire to do what’s right, repent, forgive, and improve
- - The other person is striving for meekness, humility and desires to serve others
- - The other person loves and believes in the doctrine of the family
- - The other person is morally clean and modest
- - The other person loves the temple, keeps covenants, follows the Brethren, and agrees with the doctrine in the Proclamation on the family
These are just some examples. And they may seem like a no-brainer.
But we started with green flags for a reason.
I have noticed something interesting in the young adult dating culture lately.
Maybe it’s out of fear or anxiety about relationships.
Maybe it's social media.
Maybe it's your impatience with the process and so you don't want to "waste your time."
I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I have noticed that so often you go into a relationship and immediately begin looking for reasons that it isn’t going to work.
You find the faults without getting to know the person.
You nit-pick personality quirks or physical attributes ("He laughs at everything." "I don't like her nose.")
And can I just say: the world has taught you to do that. That is not a divine process.
Our society has taught you to be critical, guarded, or even suspicious before you really even get to know someone.
I know some of you have had some bad relationships. You've met some interesting people. Maybe you've even gotten your heart broken. (All of which is a natural part of the process, by the way!)
But sometimes you are looking so hard for signs a relationship won’t work that you miss the reasons that maybe it can.
So I'd like to challenge you to go into your relationships with a little more patience and a little more trust.
Yes, you should be cautious enough to keep yourself safe.
But if you are meeting people in a physically and spiritually safe environment – after a class, at Church, when you are with friends, at the Institute, even sometimes at work – you can relax a little and begin looking for the positive.
Look first for green flags!
They can give you reassurance to proceed so that you can gather as much information about each other as you can.
Lastly, green flags are also about potential.
Look for qualities in others that show potential. A relationship that has potential doesn’t mean that the two people involved feel, say or do everything exactly the same.
Rather it is that they have the potential to complement and complete each other.
So start looking for the green flags.
If there are enough green flags, you will continue dating.
In fact, you will want to continue dating.
But we started with green flags for a reason.
I have noticed something interesting in the young adult dating culture lately.
Maybe it’s out of fear or anxiety about relationships.
Maybe it's social media.
Maybe it's your impatience with the process and so you don't want to "waste your time."
I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I have noticed that so often you go into a relationship and immediately begin looking for reasons that it isn’t going to work.
You find the faults without getting to know the person.
You nit-pick personality quirks or physical attributes ("He laughs at everything." "I don't like her nose.")
And can I just say: the world has taught you to do that. That is not a divine process.
Our society has taught you to be critical, guarded, or even suspicious before you really even get to know someone.
I know some of you have had some bad relationships. You've met some interesting people. Maybe you've even gotten your heart broken. (All of which is a natural part of the process, by the way!)
But sometimes you are looking so hard for signs a relationship won’t work that you miss the reasons that maybe it can.
So I'd like to challenge you to go into your relationships with a little more patience and a little more trust.
Yes, you should be cautious enough to keep yourself safe.
But if you are meeting people in a physically and spiritually safe environment – after a class, at Church, when you are with friends, at the Institute, even sometimes at work – you can relax a little and begin looking for the positive.
Look first for green flags!
They can give you reassurance to proceed so that you can gather as much information about each other as you can.
Lastly, green flags are also about potential.
Look for qualities in others that show potential. A relationship that has potential doesn’t mean that the two people involved feel, say or do everything exactly the same.
Rather it is that they have the potential to complement and complete each other.
So start looking for the green flags.
If there are enough green flags, you will continue dating.
In fact, you will want to continue dating.
YELLOW FLAGS |
Let’s now look at Yellow Flags.
Yellow is associated with caution.
It does not mean we should STOP doing something, but rather suggests we just might need to slow down a little bit and proceed carefully.
In dating, yellow flags come up when there are things in a relationship that cause you to pause a little bit, things you have to think about.
Yellow flags are not necessarily negative or bad.
They are just things that might be different than the way you do things or things that you have to consider if the relationship progresses.
Yellow is associated with caution.
It does not mean we should STOP doing something, but rather suggests we just might need to slow down a little bit and proceed carefully.
In dating, yellow flags come up when there are things in a relationship that cause you to pause a little bit, things you have to think about.
Yellow flags are not necessarily negative or bad.
They are just things that might be different than the way you do things or things that you have to consider if the relationship progresses.
SOME EXAMPLES OF YELLOW FLAGS ARE:
- - personality differences
- - interests that are different
- - differences in preferences
- - an initial lack of physical attraction
- - some struggles with communication
- - a limited understanding of the gospel
Yellow flags are issues that usually come up early on in a relationship - which is a natural thing when two different people who come from different backgrounds begin a relationship. They are usually just the differences you recognize in each other.
But they are something to consider, just the same.
However, rarely are yellow flags differences in attitudes or beliefs about doctrine or principles.
I’ll give you an example.
My wife and I see things very differently when it comes to punctuality and planning ahead. To me, “on time” is fifteen minutes early. To her, on time is getting somewhere at the very moment we are supposed to be somewhere. I plan ahead, (sometimes to the very minute detail), what we are going to do, how we are going to get there, what route I am going to take depending on the time of day, and how long we will stay. She heads out without a definite plan. Yes, she has thought through some things in her head, but nothing is set in stone. Yes, she gets to the places she needs to be. She just doesn't expend a lot of mental energy worrying about which way would be the fastest or what the exact plan will be when she will get there.
This one little issue has definitely been the cause of some argument in our marriage. Especially before we realized that we were fighting more over preference instead of principle.
Preferences are found in our likes, dislikes, opinions and pet peeves.
They involve our choice of car, bedtime routines, paint colors, and even cleaning techniques.
Principles, on the other hand, are truths that stay true no matter what the situation.
They are God's, they are not man's. And so they don't change.
Some yellow flags are simply a matter of preference.
And so, rarely are they deal breakers.
But they do require you to ask yourself, “Can I live with this?” or “Are we just too different in our likes and interests?”
Because sometimes, for some people, the differences are just too great.
However, more often than not, they are just things that require compromise, unique solutions, and continually reminding each other the difference between principle and preference.
This is a healthy and essential process to go through in any relationship.
But they are something to consider, just the same.
However, rarely are yellow flags differences in attitudes or beliefs about doctrine or principles.
I’ll give you an example.
My wife and I see things very differently when it comes to punctuality and planning ahead. To me, “on time” is fifteen minutes early. To her, on time is getting somewhere at the very moment we are supposed to be somewhere. I plan ahead, (sometimes to the very minute detail), what we are going to do, how we are going to get there, what route I am going to take depending on the time of day, and how long we will stay. She heads out without a definite plan. Yes, she has thought through some things in her head, but nothing is set in stone. Yes, she gets to the places she needs to be. She just doesn't expend a lot of mental energy worrying about which way would be the fastest or what the exact plan will be when she will get there.
This one little issue has definitely been the cause of some argument in our marriage. Especially before we realized that we were fighting more over preference instead of principle.
Preferences are found in our likes, dislikes, opinions and pet peeves.
They involve our choice of car, bedtime routines, paint colors, and even cleaning techniques.
Principles, on the other hand, are truths that stay true no matter what the situation.
They are God's, they are not man's. And so they don't change.
Some yellow flags are simply a matter of preference.
And so, rarely are they deal breakers.
But they do require you to ask yourself, “Can I live with this?” or “Are we just too different in our likes and interests?”
Because sometimes, for some people, the differences are just too great.
However, more often than not, they are just things that require compromise, unique solutions, and continually reminding each other the difference between principle and preference.
This is a healthy and essential process to go through in any relationship.
ORANGE FLAGS |
Now, let’s look at orange flags.
Orange is often a color that is used to indicate construction.
I added this color of flag just recently.
After teaching young single adults about flags for several years, I realized that we were missing a really important category: things in a person's life that are still "under construction."
In reality, all of us are always "under construction" in our journey to become like the Savior. Our testimonies are always growing, which means they are always changing. And few have every gospel principle down.
And so, I decided that there are definitely orange flags sometimes.
Orange is often a color that is used to indicate construction.
I added this color of flag just recently.
After teaching young single adults about flags for several years, I realized that we were missing a really important category: things in a person's life that are still "under construction."
In reality, all of us are always "under construction" in our journey to become like the Savior. Our testimonies are always growing, which means they are always changing. And few have every gospel principle down.
And so, I decided that there are definitely orange flags sometimes.
THEY COULD LOOK LIKE THIS:
- - Struggles controlling money
- - Struggles with anger, at times
- - Concerns/questions about having a family
- - Lack of progression towards, uncertainty about, or insecurity in fulfilling the role of providing for a family
- - Past issues with pornography or current issues that are being worked on
- - Past issues with immorality, the Word of Wisdom, that have been repented of or are being worked on
- - Different views on standards
- - Struggles with modesty
- - Apathy towards the temple, the teachings of the Brethren, the Gospel in general
- - Sarcasm – or the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say
Something really important to understand about orange flags is that they don’t stay orange for long. They either become something that is not a concern, or they become something that we are not sure we can handle in a relationship.
It all depends on which direction someone is heading and how sincere their efforts are in changing and improving.
Sometimes orange flags are simply something someone is struggling with because they have not been taught or do not understand a doctrine very well. When they are taught those truths, if they chose to respond and choose to be guided by the Spirit, those flags can become yellow or even green.
If they are given a chance to learn and change and don’t do anything, in my mind those orange flags become something of a concern.
Here is an example that Elder David A. Bednar gives to solidify this principle.
Elder Bednar once shared that he knew a young returned missionary who was dating a really great girl for a long time.
Their relationship was getting serious enough he was considering marrying her.
It was during their courtship that President Hinckley counseled the women of the Church to wear only one pair of earrings. The young man watched and waited to see how this young woman would respond and to see if she would get rid of her extra earrings. She did not take them out.
Elder Bednar shared:
“This was a valuable piece of information for this young man, and he felt unsettled about her nonresponsiveness to a prophet’s pleading. For this and other reasons, he ultimately stopped dating the young woman, because he was looking for an eternal companion who had the courage to promptly and quietly obey the counsel of the prophet in all things and at all times. The young man was quick to observe that the young woman was not quick to observe.
“Now before I continue, I presume that some of you might have difficulty with my last example. . . . You may believe the young man was too judgmental or that basing an eternally important decision, even in part, upon such a supposedly minor issue is silly or fanatical. . . . I simply invite you to consider and ponder the power of being quick to observe and what was actually observed in the case I just described. The issue was not earrings!”
"Quick To Observe," December 2006
All of us are under construction.
We are all still growing and working on being better.
We all have great potential. In fact, we all have divine and eternal potential that is not all going to be realized in this life – no matter who we are; a potential that takes time and faith and effort to accomplish.
Orange flags are things that are in all of us that need to be changed and when the opportunity is given, we have a chance to see what we (or others) do with that opportunity.
RED FLAGS |
Now the final flags: Red Flags.
We know red means stop. Red flags are usually deal breakers.
They are concerns we might have about someone that don’t seem to be getting resolved – whether they are financially, academically, spiritually, or morally.
They are a pattern of behavior that isn’t changing.
Red flags also have to do with violating trust, because, when it comes down to it, we actually don’t marry out of love, we marry out of trust. They are things that make us want to avoid being around a person or end a relationship.
RED FLAGS ARE THINGS SUCH AS:
- - Lying
- - Belittling
- - Manipulation
- - Trying to receive revelation for you
- - Mockery, Ridiculing
- - Uncontrolled anger
- - Pushing the physical side of the relationship
- - Financial problems they refuse to talk about or get help with
- - Addictions and/or moral problems they refuse to talk about or get help with
- - Negative or antagonistic feelings towards the temple, the Brethren, or the Church, etc.
I love how Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught this principle:
“In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem, your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person's care you deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure.” |
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Perhaps the most important principle to think about with red flags is that regardless of how much you “love” someone, if you are not sure you can trust them or if you feel unsure of yourself around them, it is an absolute warning sign.
You may love how it feels when they touch you, hold you, or kiss you, but can you trust them with your heart? You may love the meals they buy or the money they spend on you, but can you trust them with your hopes and dreams? Can you trust them with your future and future family?
I know a young man who was dating a great girl, but there was something about their relationship that just didn’t feel right to him. As he prayed, sought revelation, and worked through it, he realized that, when it came down to it, she really didn’t want to have a family. This young man had come from a large family and had a great desire to have a family of his own.
This was the question he had a hard time answering: “Can I see her as the mother of my children?”
He later shared: “As I thought about it, I came to realize she really doesn’t want to have children and that is something that is of great importance to me, so I felt like I could not proceed forward in our relationship.”
Red flags do not mean a person isn’t worthy of marriage or is a bad person. It just means they have some things about themselves to work out before they should be in a relationship. Or even that maybe there are some things about them that will just not work in a relationship with you.
You may love how it feels when they touch you, hold you, or kiss you, but can you trust them with your heart? You may love the meals they buy or the money they spend on you, but can you trust them with your hopes and dreams? Can you trust them with your future and future family?
I know a young man who was dating a great girl, but there was something about their relationship that just didn’t feel right to him. As he prayed, sought revelation, and worked through it, he realized that, when it came down to it, she really didn’t want to have a family. This young man had come from a large family and had a great desire to have a family of his own.
This was the question he had a hard time answering: “Can I see her as the mother of my children?”
He later shared: “As I thought about it, I came to realize she really doesn’t want to have children and that is something that is of great importance to me, so I felt like I could not proceed forward in our relationship.”
Red flags do not mean a person isn’t worthy of marriage or is a bad person. It just means they have some things about themselves to work out before they should be in a relationship. Or even that maybe there are some things about them that will just not work in a relationship with you.
PATTERNS
After learning about the different flags, do you understand better what I meant about patterns?
Watch for things that are consistently happening.
Positive and healthy habits done on a consistent basis manifest a person's character and level of faith.
Repeated negative behaviors do too. Especially if there’s no remorse or effort expended to change.
But if you find they are doing things again and again, but are sincerely trying to work on it, that’s probably an orange flag. That’s a pattern of trying to change. They just might not know how to change.
In watching for flags, remember what I said in the beginning: go forth looking for everything good you can about a person. You have been taught to be critical and maybe even fearful in relationships. This process of dating, courtship and marriage is divinely sanctioned. It’s God’s way of doing things. Finding someone to share the rest of your life with and into eternity is one of the most joyous experiences you will have.
And remember that God does not paralyze.
Something might not feel right or taste right or gel right.
But the adversary sends fear.
And fear is paralyzing.
God doesn’t paralyze us. Fear is a paralyzing thing. God doesn’t work that way. Fears are not the same as a stupor of thought. Sometimes, especially with decisions that are big and even eternal, it’s going to be a little bit scary.
It was just a big decision so of course it’s going to be kind of scary. They are not the same thing. Don’t worry. Fear doesn’t need to control it.
God works with incrementally teaching us that something isn’t right. That’s why we talk about flags. As you journey, you are watching for things.
That is part of the process of revelation.
Watch for things that are consistently happening.
Positive and healthy habits done on a consistent basis manifest a person's character and level of faith.
Repeated negative behaviors do too. Especially if there’s no remorse or effort expended to change.
But if you find they are doing things again and again, but are sincerely trying to work on it, that’s probably an orange flag. That’s a pattern of trying to change. They just might not know how to change.
In watching for flags, remember what I said in the beginning: go forth looking for everything good you can about a person. You have been taught to be critical and maybe even fearful in relationships. This process of dating, courtship and marriage is divinely sanctioned. It’s God’s way of doing things. Finding someone to share the rest of your life with and into eternity is one of the most joyous experiences you will have.
And remember that God does not paralyze.
Something might not feel right or taste right or gel right.
But the adversary sends fear.
And fear is paralyzing.
God doesn’t paralyze us. Fear is a paralyzing thing. God doesn’t work that way. Fears are not the same as a stupor of thought. Sometimes, especially with decisions that are big and even eternal, it’s going to be a little bit scary.
It was just a big decision so of course it’s going to be kind of scary. They are not the same thing. Don’t worry. Fear doesn’t need to control it.
God works with incrementally teaching us that something isn’t right. That’s why we talk about flags. As you journey, you are watching for things.
That is part of the process of revelation.
A PROCESS OF REVELATION
As with all aspects of relationships, revelation is so important when watching for and recognizing flags.
Only the Lord truly knows where someone is at and only He can ultimately guide you.
The suggestions listed under each of these flags categories are not meant to take away from or override promptings, direction, or guidance you have received through the Spirit.
Ultimately, we all must trust more in the "vertical" direction we get over any "horizontal" suggestions.
And so as you are in the process of finding and choosing a possible spouse, allow the Lord to guide and lead you. Be open to His suggestions much more than mine or anyone else's suggestions.
But also allow Him to caution you and, at times, warn you.
President Boyd K. Packer promised
Only the Lord truly knows where someone is at and only He can ultimately guide you.
The suggestions listed under each of these flags categories are not meant to take away from or override promptings, direction, or guidance you have received through the Spirit.
Ultimately, we all must trust more in the "vertical" direction we get over any "horizontal" suggestions.
And so as you are in the process of finding and choosing a possible spouse, allow the Lord to guide and lead you. Be open to His suggestions much more than mine or anyone else's suggestions.
But also allow Him to caution you and, at times, warn you.
President Boyd K. Packer promised
“No member of this Church—and that means each of you—will ever make a serious mistake without first being warned by the promptings of the Holy Ghost.”
"How To Survive in Enemy Territory," October 2012
That is an incredible promise.
As you use the Spirit, ask questions, and honestly seek to see the flags, you will be able to find comfort in the journey and use your agency to make a choice.
As you use the Spirit, ask questions, and honestly seek to see the flags, you will be able to find comfort in the journey and use your agency to make a choice.