How can I know if he is the "right" one? How can I know she is someone I can marry?

One of the big mysteries of the dating experience is figuring out whether someone you are dating is someone you could marry.
And because marrying someone is a big deal - both immediately and eternally - solving that mystery is also a big deal.
​
While there is no magic formula for figuring out who you should spend the rest of eternity with, there are some ways to at least make a more informed and inspired decision. 
And some of those ways involve asking some really good (and really honest) questions so that you can receive revelation based on as much information and understanding as possible.

Remember, one of the main purposes of dating - as opposed to sitting next to someone in a class or even hanging out with them - is to get to know someone well enough that you can make a decision about the future of a relationship with that person. 
That kind of knowledge requires spending lots of time together, talking and learning about each other, and sharing common experiences in a wide variety of circumstances. It also requires you to be open with each and willing to share your thoughts, feelings, perceptions of life, expectations, hopes and dreams.

​Elder Robert D. Hales taught:

"The track that leads to marriage passes through the terrain called dating! Dating is the opportunity for lengthy conversations. When you date, learn everything you can about each other. Get to know each other’s families when possible.
Are your goals compatible?
Do you share the same feelings about the commandments, the Savior, the priesthood, the temple, parenting, callings in the Church, and serving others? 
Have you observed one another under stress, responding to success and failure, resisting anger, and dealing with setbacks?
Does the person you are dating tear others down or build them up?
​Is his or her attitude and language and conduct what you would like to live with every day?”
October General Conference, 2015, "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World"

​And so, with Elder Hales' counsel in mind, I have compiled 107 questions that couples can begin asking each other when they are dating exclusively and seriously.

Here's some preparation for them:

1. There isn't a set time frame when you should begin asking these questions. But if you go into a relationship knowing that it might get to the point where you will need to have some heartfelt discussions about important topics, you will know when it’s the right time. 
2. ​These questions help bring up important issues in a relationship, issues that need to be discussed before marriage and often even before engagement. They are things that need to be talked about, not just assumed.  They not only teach us about the other person, they teach us about ourselves. They cause us to really think about things that will effect someone else when in a marital relationship. For these reasons, these are not questions to ask on a first date. You will scare that poor person away! 
3. Unexpected or negative answers are not necessarily dealbreakers. As you both go through the process of talking about these topics, you will find both commonalities and differences. Again, some of those differences might not be a huge deal, while others might be something not easily fixed. That will be something you both will have to work through. And it is SO much easier to work through them when you are just dating. (I was motivated to compile this list also because of the sheer number of engaged couples I have talked with who were having problems because some of these issues weren’t brought up before they got engaged and the wedding plans had already begun.)
4. This process will be most beneficial if these questions are answered with absolute honesty, not with what you think the other person wants to hear. When we are considering spending the rest of our lives and into eternity with someone, we better make sure they know us for who we really are and how we really think about things. Honesty can also acknowledge that, though we are still working through something, faith and devotion are in place to have a change of heart or accept something that is hard for us to accept. None of us are perfectly sound in every gospel principle or doctrine. At least not yet.
5. Don’t get intimidated by how many questions there are. Take them in chunks if you have to. Just make sure you eventually get through all of them if your relationship is still progressing. ​

​107 Questions

(There will be a link at the end of these questions if you would like to download them in a Word document.)

1. What is your testimony about the scriptures?
   
2. What is your testimony about prayer?
3. What is your testimony about tithing?
4. What is your testimony about the temple?
5. What is your testimony about church attendance?
6. What are your feelings about serving in a calling?
7. How important is it to you to be sealed in the temple?
8. What would cause you to not attend church? 
9. Describe your feelings about the Atonement and your connection to it through personal repentance.
10. What role does Family Home Evening play in family life?
11. Do you consider yourself a forgiving person?
12. Do you consider yourself an unselfish person?
13. Do you feel like you are an honest person?
14. What are your feelings about the prophet?
15. How do you feel you will respond if something difficult for you comes from the prophet?
16. What are your feelings about gay marriage?
17. What are your feelings about the Church’s policy about gay couples and children?
18. Are you comfortable giving/receiving priesthood blessings?
19. What are your feelings about the doctrines taught in the Proclamation on the Family?
20. How do you feel about having children?
21. What is your timing on starting a family?
22. How many children have you always wanted to have?
23. If we are unable to have children, how do you feel about adoption?
24. What are your feelings about using birth control?
25. What makes you nervous or anxious regarding intimacy?
26. How do you feel most comfortable expressing your love?
27. What is the most important way to receive love?
28. What method of discipline do you feel is best to use with children?
29. Who is going to discipline the children?
30. How important is education for members of the family? (Including each other)
31. What role do our parents play in our marriage?
32. Do you want to live near extended family?
33. Are you willing to live away from family, even if it is indefinitely? 
34. Who should be in charge of gathering the family for family prayer, family scripture study, or Family Home Evening?
35. Are you in debt?
36. What are your financial goals?
37. Do you use a credit card regularly?
38. Does it matter to you who will earn most of the income?
39. How do you feel about a wife/mother working outside the home?
40. Do you feel like it is OK to send your children to daycare?
41. What do you feel is justified to go into debt for?
42. How much do you play video games?
43. Will you continue to play video games after marriage? If so, how often?
44. How much do you want to socialize?
45. What do you consider your role to be in marriage?
46. What are your hopes and dreams for the future?
47. What would be a justifiable reason to consider divorce?
48. How do you feel about sarcasm in relationships?
49. Do you feel like you manipulate people?
50. Are you now currently struggling with pornography?
51. When was the last time you saw pornography? And what did you do about it?
52. What are you doing to protect yourself from pornography?
53. What will you do to protect your future family from pornography?
54. What do you fear about being in a relationship?
55. What are your insecurities?
56. Do you struggle with depression?
57. How important is it to you to get your way?
58. Is there anything that I should be aware of from your past?
59. Have you ever been abused? 
60. What has been one of your happiest experiences?
61. What has brought you the greatest sense of sorrow or loss?
62. How much of a temper do you feel you have?
63. What is your greatest fear about getting married?
64. What is your greatest excitement about getting married?
65. What are your feelings about serving a mission?
66. Does it make a difference to you as to the kind of car you drive and the type of house you live in?
67. Are you a saver or a spender?
68. How much do you want to travel?
69. Should children pay for their own missions and/or college?
70. What do you consider quality time together?
71. Are you comfortable having separate and independent friendships?
72. Are you comfortable showing affection in public?
73. How important are birthdays and holidays?
74. Where will we spend our holidays?
75. How important are your hobbies to you?
76. How important are pets to you?
77. Do you struggle with jealousy?
78. What was your childhood like?
79. Describe your high school experience.
80. What would you change about your dating history?
81. What have you learned from your dating history?
82. How do you feel about dressing modestly?
83. How do you feel the Sabbath day should be spent?
84. Do you feel it is OK to watch sports on Sunday?
85. Do you feel it is OK for your children to play sports on Sunday?
86. Are you comfortable with your emotions?
87. Who is your most significant relationship with?
88. Do you consider yourself a positive person?
89. Would you rather read a book or watch TV?
90. Are there any health concerns you have that would affect our relationship?
91. How important is shopping to you?
92. How important are sports to you?
93. Describe your dream-wedding day.
94. Where do you want to go on a honeymoon?
95. How much should we spend on a honeymoon?
96. Does it matter to you how much is spent on an engagement ring?
97. Do you want a reception?
98. Can my weird Uncle Frank play “Wind Beneath My Wings” on his accordion at our reception?
99. How do you resolve conflict? i.e. how do you fight?
100. What are some of your strengths in communication?
101. What are some of your weaknesses in communication?
102. What are some traits you possess that you think will contribute to you being a good spouse?
103. What are some traits you possess that you think will contribute to you being a good father/mother?
104. What is your greatest strength?
105. What is your greatest weakness?
106. What do you love about me the most?
107. How do you know this is the “real thing”?​

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Whew!
You made it! This is by no means an exhaustive list, though that may have been really exhausting!
If anything, asking these questions helps you make sure you are using your dating and courtship to truly get to know each other. 

And maybe one last thought:
These questions are not meant to help you find the "perfect spouse."
If you are looking for the perfect – or perfectly matched – spouse, you will probably stay single for a long time.

Elder Hales concluded his previously quoted counsel with this:  

"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential."

And potential - in anyone -  is recognized and realized only with divine help.
​
The reality is: humility, repentance, faith, patience, trust, forgiveness, hope, and love are what make a relationship work.
All of which take an incredible amount of work on our part and faith in the Savior.
And so maybe more important than finding someone who answers all of those 107 questions "right" is finding someone who is seeking to understand what it will take to not only make a marriage work, but to access the heavenly power that makes our potential a reality.

Elder Richard G. Scott taught:

“As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of oneself. I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you.
​These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.” 
​(Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 31; or Ensign, May 1999, 26)

And who knows?
Maybe that’s just what you will one day be doing with this amazing person you’ve been asking these questions to: further developing all of these wonderful attributes as husband and wife.