 By Michelle You may find this surprising, but mothers actually have a lot in common with Nephi. Sure, he’s a man and he lived over 2000 years ago and he killed someone and he had visions and he built a boat and he successfully crossed an ocean in that same boat and he became the leader of a nation. Have I missed anything? Oh, and his brothers wanted to kill him. Does any of that resemble something in your life? I would assume (and hope!) not. Nevertheless, we mothers still have a lot in common with Nephi. How? Well, Nephi had never snuck into a city, slain a man, had a vision, built a boat, crossed the ocean, or led a people before. And though he had many threats on his life, each time his brothers tried to kill him, they tried a new approach, thus catching him off guard yet again! So much of Nephi's life was about doing things he had never done before. Does that sound familiar to anyone? From the very first moment we enter motherhood, there is a lot of unfamiliar and uncharted territory. So many things that we either have never done before, never planned on, or never imagined would ever be part of our journey! In fact, at one point years ago, I realized that maybe instead I would like to try building a boat – it probably would have been easier that this whole mothering thing! But daunting or not, I have noticed something interesting. There must be a purpose in our lacking an impressive or ideal resume to qualify us for the things that God asks us to do because we are not alone. Think about it. Moses, Esther, Peter, Daniel, David, Joseph, Moroni, Alma, Sariah, Rachel, Rebekah, and so many other ordinary mortals were asked to do things they were either not prepared for or very inexperienced at and yet God still asked them. And we can learn a lot from the company with which we are associated.  Let's just look at one example from Nephi's life. When Nephi crept into Jerusalem to get some records from a man he knew wouldn’t be very happy about giving them up, he didn’t really know how he was going to do it. Nephi and his brothers had already tried twice and failed, losing their bargaining chips and almost their lives in the process. Laman and Lemuel were so frustrated they wanted to finish the job Laban’s servants had started. But Nephi’s response to Laman and Lemuel, and to his situation, indicates that he understood something about being placed in these kinds of situations: “Let us go up again into Jerusalem," he said, "and let us be faithful in keeping the commandments of the Lord; for behold he is mightier than all the earth, then why not mightier than Laban and his fifty, yea, or even than his tens of thousands? Therefore let us go up; let us be strong like unto Moses. . . . The Lord is able to deliver us . . .” (4:1-3; emphasis added). How did Nephi know that? Because Nephi knew something else. And it’s actually something that we know, too. Nephi knew that “the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them” (1 Nephi 3:7). And remember, this proclamation of faith was made before the many times that Nephi had actually been delivered in his life! Somewhere, somehow, Nephi had learned and experienced for himself that our Heavenly Father is a God of preparation. He must have been taught some of the character and attributes and perfections of God from “all the learning of [his] father” (1 Nephi 1:1). With this in mind, maybe we can understand better why he would sneak into a city that was probably swarming with people ready to kill him “not knowing beforehand the things which [he] should do” (4:6). Some may say that was pretty risky, but Nephi trusted His God for he knew that he had His preparation and His experience on his side.  Elder David A. Bednar once shared a profound insight about this principle. He said: “Just think about any responsibility you’ve ever had as a leader in the Church. Were you well prepared before you were called? No. Did you know what you were doing when you were called? No. So, the Lord, by inspiration through those who are in authority, calls us to do things that we’ve never done, that we’re not prepared to do, and that we struggle with on the front end especially, learning what we’re to do. . . . And there’s reason for that. As long as we’re clueless we’re dependent upon heaven. As soon as we think we know what we’re doing then we tend to rely more on the arm of the flesh. In the Church every single one of us has been in the position where heaven took a chance on us. We didn’t know what to do, we certainly were not experienced, we were worthy and willing, but heaven took a chance.” (“A Conversation on Leadership,” February 24, 2010, 6). Heaven knows that any of us who choose to be a part of helping to build God's Kingdom and bringing “to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39) brings to that great responsibility inadequacies or imperfections or inexperience. Heaven takes a chance on those deficiencies. And heaven takes a chance that when we find ourselves inadequate or imperfect or inexperienced that we will turn to heaven for help.  You are more prepared for the divine calling of motherhood than you may think (and for the things you may face as you go through it, for that matter) because of the doctrine that your Father in Heaven is prepared and He has prepared so much in your behalf, even in the minute details of your life. Because He is God, He is prepared. And that’s all that really matters. Indeed, motherhood is much more about Him than it is about us. The word “prepare” appears nearly 500 times in the four standard works. A majority of the time, it is used to refer to either the preparations the Father has made for His children or preparations He inspired or instructed His children to make. Either way, these preparations involve His omniscience for they were made long before we needed them or long before we understood why we needed them. And I have come to trust in that omniscience. This is not His first time doing this. He is not surprised that we sometimes get surprised. He is not unprepared for any of our lack of preparation. He is not frightened by our being a little bit frightened. We are neither the only ones nor the first ones in the history of mankind that have felt anxious about facing Red Seas and angry kings and lion’s dens and Goliaths and lost sons and foreign lands and ocean voyages. And He’s going to keep on asking. So, maybe it is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable to feel a little overwhelmed by circumstances that we have never faced before. There are divine purposes in finding ourselves standing on the outer wall of our own proverbial city without a clue how we are going to accomplish what God has commanded us to do. Nephi still “went forth” . . . knowing and trusting. We have dozens of examples of people in scripture, history, and all around us who have done the same. And so must we – even if we cannot see farther than about one step in front of us. 
These experiences require us to exercise faith; faith to find the ways He has prepared for us and the ways He has prepared us that we might not know about yet. This kind of seeking is often part of His plan - a plan that not only involves bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of our children . . . but of us . . . by molding and shaping and refining us in ways that turn our hearts and minds and eyes . . . heavenward.
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 by Michelle After the Lord had the prophet Moses lead the children of Israel out of their bondage in Egypt, He intended to take them to a land reserved for them, a place where they could live in peace and happiness. However, even though they had been miraculously delivered by His hand, the Israelites struggled to remember their God, thank Him, or truly worship Him and thus they struggled being guided by Him to this promised land. (Indeed, that's why the journey took 40 years!) At one point in their journey, as they were struggling (again!) to be grateful and humble in their trying circumstances, “the Lord sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.” (Numbers 21:6) Realizing in that moment their responsibility in that trial, the Israelites pled with Moses to ask the Lord if He would take the snakes away. Moses asked. But the Lord responded with an unexpected solution. He instructed Moses to make a serpent out of brass, put it on a stick, and hold it up. Once he was finished, Moses then told the people that if they would look up to that brazen serpent up on that pole, they would be healed and protected and live. Isn't it interesting that hundreds of poisonous snakes were slithering at their feet and biting them; people standing next to them were getting bit, possibly screaming with pain; some of their loved ones and children were probably dying, and yet God was asking them to take their attention off all that around them . . . and look to Him by looking up to that brazen serpent. It seems a little strange. And I’ve wondered if they might have said to themselves, “What difference will looking at a snake made out of metal make? How is that going to help?” Indeed, it seems many of them probably did. For many of them wouldn't look and perished. They didn't understand what the serpent symbolized nor how Moses was trying to get them to look to their God in their circumstances. I have been reminded of the Israelites experience with the brazen serpent several times as I've found myself asking that same question about something the Lord had instructed me to do. One time many years ago, I had been praying for guidance for one of our children. He was struggling with his emotions, some difficult circumstances, and getting along with others and I was struggling to figure out what the real problem was and what could be done about it. I prayed about my concern often for several months but didn't really get any answers.  Then one day I was in the laundry room folding laundry when a clear, quiet thought came into my head: "Just listen to him." I stopped what I was doing for a second and listened again. "Just listen better to him." I knew immediately that the Lord was referring to this particular son but I am embarrassed to say that the next thought that popped into my head was: "What difference will that make? How is that going to help? He is struggling with some really difficult things right now - things much bigger than not being listened to!" However, I decided to at least try it. (I mean I hadn't been able to come up with any better ideas.) And it has been so interesting to watch just how inspired those four words truly were for that son in particular, with his personality and individual needs. That one small piece of what seemed like vague, possibly irrelevant counsel from the Lord was the very thing that was being neglected in our large and sometimes chaotic family. And it is something that my husband and I have come back to again and again, continually seeking the Spirit's direction of how and when we can listen to him better.  I have discovered that the Lord often holds up a modern version of a brazen serpent in our lives. And often this simple, seemingly irrelevant symbol offers us the same kind of protection, healing, peace, or a chance to truly live during this mortal experience. Maybe it is an impression that we really need to rededicate ourselves to prayer or the recurring thought that our scripture study is lacking. It may be what seems to be a guilty reminder that we are not worshipping in the temple enough or that our church service needs to be more focused on the Savior instead of ourselves. Or sometimes it is something even more simple than that: listen better . . . serve more . . . let go of that anger . . . let go of that expectation of yourself. Whatever the instruction is, we may find ourselves dismissing those simple promptings because of more pressing concerns in our lives. Or we may acknowledge His encouraging reprimand is true, but conclude we have bigger problems to solve than that. However, we know that the Lord truly does bring to pass incredible things by simple means (Alma 36;7). Often, He solves big problems with small solutions. One Sunday a little while ago, I was sitting in a Stake Conference and the topic of the conference was Temple and Family History work (again!). I am also embarrassed to say that I immediately started tuning out the speakers because I was so tired of hearing about Temple and Family History work! “When do I have time to do family history?” I asked myself. “Why would I prioritize it when I have so much to do, so little time, and so many things on my plate? What difference does it make? How could it possibly help me with all of the other things I need to worry about?” And then it dawned on me! Could this be a brazen serpent the prophet is holding up for the Church in general? Could this be a small and simple means that could offer protection, healing, peace and ultimately a chance to truly live in these perilous and often frightening last days?  On a very logical level, it doesn’t really make sense. How can something like doing family history work help us with all of the challenges we have in our day? For example, how can family history work help a son who is struggling with pornography or his parents who are seeking to know how to help him? The internet, smartphones, and technology bombard us on every side. Confusion, distraction, and indifference are slithering at our feet. How could indexing really help protect our families against the blatant immorality that has crept into our homes and lives today? Indeed, the people around us are getting “bit” and are suffering; some of our loved ones and children are even spiritually dying. And yet, God through His prophet is asking us to take our attention off of all these poisonous influences and look to Him by looking back. What difference could it possibly make? How could that help? I don’t fully know the answer to those questions, but I guess neither did the Israelites. They simply had to have the courage and faith to obey prophetic instruction and trust not only in the divine source of that instruction but the divine blessings of it. They, like us, had to trust that what they were being counseled to do would ultimately lead them to the Savior. At least one conclusion I have come to is that family history work leads us to the temple. And it seems that those few hours we spend learning, pondering, and participating in ordinances in the temple are another small and simple means that brings to pass great things in the thousands of hours we spend outside the temple living our lives. Think about it: if there was no doctrine of participating in ordinances for the dead, we would maybe go into the temple a half a dozen times in our entire lives – once for ourselves, and a few other times escorting others or witnessing a marriage sealing. Our proxy work for the dead gives us an opportunity to go into the temple every single week if we choose!  But I think there might be more reasons than that - even more personal and meaningful applications in each of our lives and our circumstances.
And those reasons are for you and I to discover by doing family history work and taking our families (both living and deceased) to the temple. However, family history work is just one example! It is only one counsel that has been given to us in these latter days by our prophet. What other brazen serpents could the prophet be holding up for us today? If we look for that help - those simple, seemingly irrelevant admonitions the Lord gives to His prophets - we will discover them all around us. And they are God's higher way of offering us peace, protection, healing and a chance to truly live "after the manner of happiness" (2 Nephi 5:27) in an overwhelming and often frightening world. Indeed, they give us access to the peace, protection, healing and life found in His Son, Jesus Christ.  This past weekend, we were blessed again with incredible messages and clarifying doctrines from the Lord’s chosen servants that will enrich and bless our lives for years to come. As you listened to and learned from General Conference, did impressions come to your mind of something you need to improve on? Were you inspired to change something in your life? Or were you motivated to simplify an aspect of your life? I have found that personal revelation often flows when we place ourselves in settings where the heavens are open and God is pouring down knowledge from them (D&C 121:33). Conference definitely seems to be one of those places. And what a joyous place to find ourselves in. I have also noticed that sometimes after I've been truly enlightened or motivated to increase the level of my discipleship, I find myself feeling unsure I really can do what I've been inspired to do. I often know the impression is right, I just don't know how it will work. And I've wondered: Why would I struggle with this? Why would I doubt this can work? Why would I doubt I can do this? I am a faithful person who loves the Lord and truly desires to be obedient. In seeking to understand why this sometimes happens, I have found there is at least one possible cause of my lack of confidence, fear, or insecurity. And it has nothing to do with my faith or obedience or willingness. It has to do with the negative beliefs or false perceptions I often don't even know I have.  Let me explain what I mean with a story from the scriptures. In the Old Testament, we learn about a man named Jonah who was instructed by the Lord to go to Nineveh to warn the people of their imminent destruction if they did not repent. But instead of being obedient, Jonah ran as fast as he could to the coastal city of Joppa, found a ship going to Tarshish, and sailed as far away from his responsibility as possible. (Some scholars even believe that Tarshish was geographically probably one of the farthest places Jonah could realistically go from Nineveh at that time.) Have you ever wondered why he did that? At first, we might think that Jonah was afraid or disobedient or even unfaithful. Yet, it seems it was much more than that. Jonah had somewhat of a history with the Ninevites. They were a powerful, idolatrous, and barbaric people who had enslaved, tortured, and killed Jonah’s people over a long period of time. It might be safe to say that Jonah probably didn’t like them. And so, when that revelation came to reach out in mercy and compassion towards them and give them a chance to repent, Jonah really didn't want to. That revelation had filtered through some pretty strong opinions of the Ninevites, which not only affected his attitude towards that revelation, but also his obedience to it.  Later in Jonah’s story when the whale spit him out on the shore and the Lord told him a second time to go to Nineveh, Jonah was compelled to obey. But it doesn’t seem like he had changed what he believed about the Ninevites. He preached unto them and then sat down and waited for them to be destroyed, even though they had turned “every one from his evil way, and from the violence that [was] in their hands,” and began to believe in God (Jonah 3:5, 8). When the Ninevites weren’t destroyed, Jonah was angry that God hadn’t done what He originally said He was going to do. He believed the Ninevites deserved to be destroyed even though they had started to repent. It is interesting to point out, however, that it wasn’t the revelation for Jonah to minister among the Ninevites that was the problem, nor how God willing the Lord was to forgive them of their rebellion and wickedness. It was Jonah’s belief about the Ninevites that inhibited his faith and obedience. Now, we probably won’t receive a revelation to go to Nineveh. However, we might receive an impression, “Forgive your dad.” That revelation might immediately filter through the belief, “But my dad doesn’t deserve forgiveness” or “I could never forgive my dad” or “Forgiveness means forgetting or condoning what happened.” And then we might become angry that God would ask us to do something like that and run, like Jonah, as far away from the revelation as we can. Again, the revelation itself isn’t the problem in this situation, even if it feels like it. The fear or anger or discouragement we might feel could instead be caused by a negative, unhealthy, or false belief. We interpret our struggle or unwillingness or doubt as a lack of faith, when, in reality, that could not be farther from the truth!  Many years ago, I met two young people who were obviously in love. Yet as I sat and talked with them one day in my office, the young woman told me, “I want to marry Jake with everything in me. I love him. I’ve fasted about it and I took my decision to the Lord. And I’ve got my answer. The problem is . . . he won’t marry me.” I was rather surprised by that last statement. And so I asked Jake, “Do you love Katelyn?” “Yes, I do. She’s the most amazing person in the world.” “Do you want to marry her?” “Yes, I do,” he said, and then he hesitated, “. . . but I won’t.” Jake then explained to me, “When I was younger, I had a problem with pornography. I put my life in order and became worthy to serve a mission. After I got home, I had a couple struggles with it, but I am doing well now and feel there’s been a lot of progress. But I just don’t think it’s fair for her to marry someone like me. I still have to fight to keep my thoughts pure. I just don’t want to put her through this. She is such a wonderful girl, and so I just can’t marry her.” As we talked for the next hour, I shared with the two of them the doctrine of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the power He has to heal and change us so that we're not in bondage to our past. We looked at the definition of the word “atonement,” and talked about how it actually means “to cover” or to make “at-one” again (Elder Russell M. Nelson, “The Atonement,” Ensign, November 1996). We studied what Isaiah teaches about the Atonement, and how Christ has the ability to exchange our ashes (or lack of faith, or heavy burden, or serious sin, or whatever it is) and give us beauty and praise and righteousness and glory. I respected Jake’s willingness to be accountable and responsible, and my intent wasn’t to convince him he should marry Katelyn. I just wanted to make sure he understood the power the Savior had not only to forgive him, but also to heal him and actually change him into “a new creature” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Near the end of our conversation, I could see some hope in both of their eyes. However, when I asked Jake how he felt, he said he was still struggling with the idea that he wasn’t ever going to be worthy enough to marry her; he believed she deserved someone better than him. After they left, I realized that perhaps the only way those two were ever going to be able to move forward in their relationship was if Jake figured out what he really believed about Jesus Christ, His Atonement, and what becomes of not only our worthiness but our worth to Him when we sin. I felt he also needed to sort out why he didn't believe that redemption through Christ was also offered to him and that it could actually help and heal him. I knew Jake had a knowledge of the principles and doctrines about repentance, forgiveness, and divine worth. However, I also knew that he was struggling — not only to find peace through recovery, but also to receive a confirmation about making one of the most important decisions of his life. And it was largely because of the misconception that he would never be worthy to marry such an incredible young woman because of past sin.  So, if you find yourself struggling to have faith in or be obedient to something the Lord has revealed to you or asked you to do, consider first that it might simply be because that revelation filtered through an unhealthy, unrealistic, destructive, or false idea that is skewing your ability to consider it, follow it, or believe in it.
And if so, it is that false idea that needs to first be re-examined, not the revelation! As we identify and remove the untrue ideas, assumptions or perceptions that often hide somewhere in the backstage of our minds, the truth is allowed to fill our hearts and minds and souls with the light and love of our Savior, Jesus Christ. And then acting in faith on that truth is so much easier.  By Michelle We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded by worldly messages of self-reliance - messages that we, and we alone, are responsible for the success, health, wealth, progress, peace, and happiness of ourselves, our families, and maybe everyone around us. We are programmed to believe that only the proactive and self-motivated win the prizes in this life. Indeed, it seems everything is up to us. And although I think there are some true principles that underlie this idea – principles such as agency, accountability, responsibility, sacrifice, hard work, and faith – the problem with this skewed concept is that there is no room for another absolutely critical component of the gospel of Jesus Christ: grace. We know about grace. We hear about it all the time. But it seems we sometimes have a hard time finding room for it in our lives and maybe even in our righteous efforts to be "anxiously engaged" and proactively doing things of our own will. Indeed, for the driven and ambitious, the concept of grace can feel foreign and maybe even uncomfortable. So, what exactly is grace? How does it correct the world's false doctrine about self-reliance? And where does it fit in our discipleship of Jesus Christ? While I don’t know all the answers to those questions, I have a few thoughts.   To me, the grace of God spoken of in the scriptures is the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And it is essential that we have and use that power in our lives. Elder David A. Bednar clarified that there are two powers available to us because of Christ's Atonement: the redeeming power and the enabling power. He said, “I suspect that you and I are much more familiar with the nature of the redeeming power of the Atonement than we are with the enabling power of the Atonement. It is one thing to know that Jesus Christ came to earth to die for us. That is fundamental and foundational to the doctrine of Christ. But we also need to appreciate that the Lord desires, through His Atonement and by the power of the Holy Ghost, to live in us—not only to direct us but also to empower us. . . . I frankly do not think many of us “get it” concerning this enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement, and I wonder if we mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.” In our conscientious and faithful efforts to be anxiously engaged in ministering to others, receiving revelation, fulfilling callings, studying our scriptures, raising children, turning to the Lord, becoming like Him, or a host of other righteous efforts, we may forgot the part that grace plays in all of it. Sister Carolyn J. Rasmus, a BYU professor and administrator, shared the following experience: “Some time ago, while serving as an institute teacher, I discovered that my students would occasionally come to me for comfort when they had problems. Over a period of many months, I became acquainted with a woman who shared with me her life story. It was not pretty. As a child she had often been abused, and this had led to years of therapy because she could not cope. I remember the day she came to my office pleading for help. I could clearly see her pain, but I was just a teacher. I had had no training in how to comfort people who had suffered such things, and I pled with the Lord to know how I might help. I recommended that she counsel with her bishop, but I also felt impressed to play some recorded Church hymns. After a time, when she was calmer, I seated her in my office chair. On the wall at eye level was a painting of Jesus Christ. I invited her to look into His eyes as I read to her from the scriptures: “Fear not, little flock. . . . Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:34, 36). “The Lord hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted. . . . Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands” (1 Nephi 21:13, 15–16). “Behold, he suffereth the pains of all men, yea, the pains of every living creature” (2 Nephi 9:21). “Look unto God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause” (Jacob 3:1). As each scripture came to my mind, I felt that I was being prompted by the Spirit to know and do things beyond my natural ability. She later described having felt “an overwhelming feeling of love and peace.” To help my friend, I had called on Heavenly Father to help me in an area of weakness, and He granted me help. This kind of divine assistance, often given through the influence of the Holy Ghost, is one of the gifts of the enabling power of the Atonement.”  And so, for me, grace has become a power that gives us the ability to do things we would not otherwise be able to do of our own power. Yes, it is by grace that we are resurrected, something we cannot do on our own. By grace, we are forgiven of sin, something we cannot do on our own. But it is also by grace that we are able to help someone in their need when we have no idea how to help them or what they really need. And it is by grace that the person we are trying to help finds comfort and peace when they do not know how to help themselves. The Atonement of Jesus Christ was an infinite Atonement – not only meaning it is never-ending, but also that it has no bounds, meaning it is limitless in space, extent, and size; it is impossible for us to measure or calculate. Thus, the grace offered us by Jesus Christ has no bounds. There is no situation we find ourselves in that is outside the bounds of it. Once I started to understand what it really is, I realized I have seen this power manifest in so many different ways, in my own life and in the lives of those I love. It is by grace we reach out to someone who is always rude to us. By grace we are enabled to succeed in a subject that is difficult for us to learn. Grace helps a teenager understand why is it is hard for her to make friends. It helps a young man overcome his fear of asking for help from his parents. It is by grace that a young woman follows the impressions she has been having to serve a mission, even though talking to people she doesn’t know and finding herself in situations that are unfamiliar are probably two of the hardest things for her to do. It is by grace that a young man accepts a mission call to serve and love a people, even a specific race, that he has had many negative experiences with as he was growing up. It is by grace that someone can find the power and ability to love others in a deep and profound way when they were not raised with this love. It is by grace that a mother finds one more ounce of patience after a long, busy day with children. But it is also by grace that a mother finds a peace and love in such abundance in her heart - and that she did not know was there - as she visits her son in jail. It is by grace that a husband and father finds hope and healing and an enhanced ability to overcome a pornography addiction that has spanned almost 3 decades – a battle that could not be won until he finally accepted that he could not of his own power overcome it. It is by grace that an unmarried sister in her 40’s is still able to come to Church week after week even though Church is probably one of the hardest 3 hours of her week because of all the things she is reminded she doesn’t have right now in her life. This is what grace looks like. This is how we lift it out of the scriptures and see it manifest itself in every day mortal life. On a personal level, it is by grace, indeed by a power that I did not have on my own, that I have been able to be lifted out of the dark and lonely world of depression. It is this enabling power of the Atonement that has helped me see some of the sources of my depression – things I did not understand about myself and my beliefs about the world and my God that were keeping me trapped in a vicious negative cycle. And it is even by grace that I have been able to understand that part of my struggle, part of my discouragement and despair, was because I was trying to do everything by myself. It is by an unseen power that man does not possess on his own that my husband has been able to reach out to me, wrap his arms around me, and reassure me that no matter how nasty and irrational I had been to him, he still loved me. It is by grace that my family has been able to move forward and heal from the negative effects of such an ugly situation.  Grace kicks in at whatever point we cannot do something on our own – when our own efforts are depleted. Grace begins where our ability ends - no matter why or where it ended. For some situations, His grace comes almost immediately, like maybe when we are struggling to even find the desire to believe. In other situations, we might meet somewhere in the middle and feel we have at least brought something to the table. And still other times, it comes in the final moments, hours, or months of a trial, one where we have handled it so faithfully, trusting in God’s “perfect plan” so well for so long, but we run out of steam near the end and just don’t know if we can endure it anymore. I have discovered that it is no surprise to our Heavenly Father that we cannot do it all and do it all right. Not only is it no surprise to Him, He specifically designed mortality to be this way. On the eve of Jesus Christ’s suffering in Gethsemane, He issued this benediction to His disciples: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. . . . Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” (John 14:27). Of this invitation, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland said, “[This] may be one of the Savior’s commandments that is, even in the hearts of otherwise faithful Latter-day Saints, almost universally disobeyed; and yet I wonder whether our resistance to this invitation could be any more grievous to the Lord’s merciful heart.” Elder Holland added, “I am convinced that none of us can appreciate how deeply it wounds the loving heart of the Savior of the world when he finds that his people do not feel confident in his care or secure in his hands.”  He promises us that because He has overcome the world, there is nothing is this world that can overcome us – if we turn to Him and are empowered with His power. This is the doctrine of the Atonement: that our Father sent His Son to ransom and redeem all of us and provide for us a power to return to Him. It is something we cannot do on our own. Although we live in a world that beats an incessant drum that we can and should make happen in our lives everything that needs to happen, that everything is up to us, that relying on someone or something else is weakness, and that somehow we earn our way back to God, the doctrine of the Atonement of Jesus Christ is that the more we rely on Him, the more power is made available to us. I know this is true. I have experienced this for myself. Indeed, I have spent the majority of my life buying into what the world and the adversary have been saying – that everything is up to me. And that's not only a lie, it's absolutely impossible. I challenge you to think if there is a struggle in your life right now that could be lifted, eased, changed, or healed, if you were to use more deliberately, more specifically, and more faithfully the enabling, healing, cleansing, strengthening, and enduring power of the Atonement – even something that maybe you may not think has anything to do with the Atonement or something that, whenever you think about it, you say to yourself, “I can’t do this.” For it is in those very words, in that honesty and frustration and even anguish, that we will realize that indeed we can’t – at least not by ourselves. We need the grace of Jesus Christ.  One of the big mysteries of the dating experience is figuring out whether someone you are dating is someone you could marry. And because marrying someone is a big deal - both immediately and eternally - solving that mystery is also a big deal. While there is no magic formula for figuring out who you should spend the rest of eternity with, there are some ways to at least make a more informed and inspired decision. And some of those ways involve asking some really good (and really honest) questions so that you can receive revelation based on as much information and understanding as possible. Remember, one of the main purposes of dating - as opposed to sitting next to someone in a class or even hanging out with them - is to get to know someone well enough that you can make a decision about the future of a relationship with that person. That kind of knowledge requires spending lots of time together, talking and learning about each other, and sharing common experiences in a wide variety of circumstances. It also requires you to be open with each and willing to share your thoughts, feelings, perceptions of life, expectations, hopes and dreams. Elder Robert D. Hales taught: "The track that leads to marriage passes through the terrain called dating! Dating is the opportunity for lengthy conversations. When you date, learn everything you can about each other. Get to know each other’s families when possible.  And so, with Elder Hales' counsel in mind, I have compiled 107 questions that couples can begin asking each other when they are dating exclusively and seriously. Here's some preparation for them:
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Whew!
You made it! This is by no means an exhaustive list, though that may have been really exhausting!
If anything, asking these questions helps you make sure you are using your dating and courtship to truly get to know each other.
And maybe one last thought:
These questions are not meant to help you find the "perfect spouse."
If you are looking for the perfect – or perfectly matched – spouse, you will probably stay single for a long time.
Elder Hales concluded his previously quoted counsel with this:
You made it! This is by no means an exhaustive list, though that may have been really exhausting!
If anything, asking these questions helps you make sure you are using your dating and courtship to truly get to know each other.
And maybe one last thought:
These questions are not meant to help you find the "perfect spouse."
If you are looking for the perfect – or perfectly matched – spouse, you will probably stay single for a long time.
Elder Hales concluded his previously quoted counsel with this:
"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential."
And potential - in anyone - is recognized and realized only with divine help.
The reality is: humility, repentance, faith, patience, trust, forgiveness, hope, and love are what make a relationship work.
All of which take an incredible amount of work on our part and faith in the Savior.
And so maybe more important than finding someone who answers all of those 107 questions "right" is finding someone who is seeking to understand what it will take to not only make a marriage work, but to access the heavenly power that makes our potential a reality.
Elder Richard G. Scott taught:
“As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of oneself. I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you.
These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”
(Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 31; or Ensign, May 1999, 26)
And who knows?
Maybe that’s just what you will one day be doing with this amazing person you’ve been asking these questions to: further developing all of these wonderful attributes as husband and wife.
I used to teach Institute in a large metropolitan area that had a strong group of young single LDS adults. They were a bright, fun, and amazing group of individuals. Many were college graduates between the ages of about 24 and 30 who had moved there for work opportunities, and about 70% of them were female.
Often I would ask, “So, what brought you out here?”
Some would say it was because of a job.
Others would admit it was because they knew there was a lot of single LDS people in that area.
More often than not, however, when I would ask that question, this is what I would get from the girls: “I don’t know. I just had a feeling to come here.” As I would look into their faces, there would be almost a twinkle in their eyes. And I came to learn what that twinkle usually meant: “I think I’m going to find my husband here.”
I would then watch an interesting thing happen throughout the semester: many of these amazing sisters would begin to struggle. They became frustrated or depressed. They would pull away from the ward, sometimes even stop coming to Institute.
As I would reach out to them to see what I could do to help, they would share something like this: “Two years ago, God told me to come here so I could get married. It obviously hasn’t happened. In fact, I hardly even date. I’m totally confused. I’m not sure if I was even supposed to come here.”
Often I would ask, “So, what brought you out here?”
Some would say it was because of a job.
Others would admit it was because they knew there was a lot of single LDS people in that area.
More often than not, however, when I would ask that question, this is what I would get from the girls: “I don’t know. I just had a feeling to come here.” As I would look into their faces, there would be almost a twinkle in their eyes. And I came to learn what that twinkle usually meant: “I think I’m going to find my husband here.”
I would then watch an interesting thing happen throughout the semester: many of these amazing sisters would begin to struggle. They became frustrated or depressed. They would pull away from the ward, sometimes even stop coming to Institute.
As I would reach out to them to see what I could do to help, they would share something like this: “Two years ago, God told me to come here so I could get married. It obviously hasn’t happened. In fact, I hardly even date. I’m totally confused. I’m not sure if I was even supposed to come here.”
Because this happened often enough, I became familiar with walking them through this series of questions:
“What were the impressions you received when you first felt to come here. What was your experience like?”
Their stories and experiences would usually differ, but somewhere in their sharing they would say something like this: “Well, I don’t know. I just felt I needed to move here.”
Or “After I received a priesthood blessing, I felt really good about coming here.”
I would then ask, “In the midst of those feelings and impressions, did the Lord specifically tell you that the reason He was sending you here was that you were going to get married?”
After sitting and thinking for a moment, many would realize, “No, I don’t think so.”
“So, where could that have come from?” I would ask.
“Well . . . I’m not sure,” they might say. “I don’t really know.” And some would even ask, “Could I have added that myself?”
As we would continue to talk through it, many would indeed realize they had somehow added that reason themselves.
In all honesty, I couldn’t blame them. Finding someone to share their lives with is a righteous desire. The marriage covenant is something they had been taught to look forward to, rejoice in, and actively seek. Yet, what I think often happened is that they had mixed up the revelation to move to that area with some impatience, misunderstanding, maybe some loneliness or insecurity, and all of those hopes, dreams, and righteous desires.
The result? They thought they knew the reason they felt impressed to move there. However, many of them would discover it wasn’t necessarily God’s reason for them to move there.
Without meaning to, they did this:
“What were the impressions you received when you first felt to come here. What was your experience like?”
Their stories and experiences would usually differ, but somewhere in their sharing they would say something like this: “Well, I don’t know. I just felt I needed to move here.”
Or “After I received a priesthood blessing, I felt really good about coming here.”
I would then ask, “In the midst of those feelings and impressions, did the Lord specifically tell you that the reason He was sending you here was that you were going to get married?”
After sitting and thinking for a moment, many would realize, “No, I don’t think so.”
“So, where could that have come from?” I would ask.
“Well . . . I’m not sure,” they might say. “I don’t really know.” And some would even ask, “Could I have added that myself?”
As we would continue to talk through it, many would indeed realize they had somehow added that reason themselves.
In all honesty, I couldn’t blame them. Finding someone to share their lives with is a righteous desire. The marriage covenant is something they had been taught to look forward to, rejoice in, and actively seek. Yet, what I think often happened is that they had mixed up the revelation to move to that area with some impatience, misunderstanding, maybe some loneliness or insecurity, and all of those hopes, dreams, and righteous desires.
The result? They thought they knew the reason they felt impressed to move there. However, many of them would discover it wasn’t necessarily God’s reason for them to move there.
Without meaning to, they did this:
Their experience is an example of one way we might hinder or interfere with revelation in our lives. It involves “giving reason” to it, and it simply means we add our own meaning or interpretation to the promptings or answers that God gives us.
And I’ve found that the danger in interpreting revelation is that it can distort the direction we’ve already received or take that revelation in a completely different direction than it was meant to go.
A recently returned senior missionary once shared an experience with me that I believe explains this a little more. While serving with his wife on their mission, Brother Langford would sometimes have the opportunity to give the missionaries priesthood blessings.
One time, he was giving an elder a blessing right before he was to return home. As he was in the middle of the blessing, he could see in his mind a wonderful young woman with blond hair and felt there was something important about her. In fact, he was pretty sure it was the young man’s future wife.
When he concluded the blessing, however, Brother Langford felt to simply tell the young man to go home and prepare himself diligently for the next step in his life. Many months later, this senior missionary was surprised one day to see the young woman from the vision on the young man’s social media account.
However, he discovered it was the young man’s sister.
It was then that he realized he had assumed he knew who the young woman was and had misinterpreted what her presence in the vision had meant. This faithful brother had no intention of interpreting that revelation. Fortunately, he chose not to say anything specific to the elder at the time, but what an eye-opening experience it was for him.
And I’ve found that the danger in interpreting revelation is that it can distort the direction we’ve already received or take that revelation in a completely different direction than it was meant to go.
A recently returned senior missionary once shared an experience with me that I believe explains this a little more. While serving with his wife on their mission, Brother Langford would sometimes have the opportunity to give the missionaries priesthood blessings.
One time, he was giving an elder a blessing right before he was to return home. As he was in the middle of the blessing, he could see in his mind a wonderful young woman with blond hair and felt there was something important about her. In fact, he was pretty sure it was the young man’s future wife.
When he concluded the blessing, however, Brother Langford felt to simply tell the young man to go home and prepare himself diligently for the next step in his life. Many months later, this senior missionary was surprised one day to see the young woman from the vision on the young man’s social media account.
However, he discovered it was the young man’s sister.
It was then that he realized he had assumed he knew who the young woman was and had misinterpreted what her presence in the vision had meant. This faithful brother had no intention of interpreting that revelation. Fortunately, he chose not to say anything specific to the elder at the time, but what an eye-opening experience it was for him.
Have you ever done something like this?
Have you felt a prompting and immediately started trying to figure out what it meant?
Were you instructed to do something and instantly wanted to figure out why the Lord gave that instruction?
Sometimes blessings come and we immediately think we know why the Lord blessed us. Or we receive a calling and assume we know the reason that we specifically were called to it.
I’m not completely sure all the reasons we do this, but I think one could possibly be that we think we are supposed to.
Indeed, I have found that many of us believe that part of our responsibility in receiving divine revelation is to know – or at least make an effort to figure out – the “why” behind that divine insight or direction.
However, Elder Dallin H. Oaks once shared a powerful statement that gives insight not only into why we are not necessarily expected to interpret revelation but also maybe why we shouldn’t.
He said:
Have you ever done something like this?
Have you felt a prompting and immediately started trying to figure out what it meant?
Were you instructed to do something and instantly wanted to figure out why the Lord gave that instruction?
Sometimes blessings come and we immediately think we know why the Lord blessed us. Or we receive a calling and assume we know the reason that we specifically were called to it.
I’m not completely sure all the reasons we do this, but I think one could possibly be that we think we are supposed to.
Indeed, I have found that many of us believe that part of our responsibility in receiving divine revelation is to know – or at least make an effort to figure out – the “why” behind that divine insight or direction.
However, Elder Dallin H. Oaks once shared a powerful statement that gives insight not only into why we are not necessarily expected to interpret revelation but also maybe why we shouldn’t.
He said:
“If you read the scriptures with this question in mind, ‘Why did the Lord command this or why did he command that,’ you find that in less than one in a hundred commands was any reason given. It's not the pattern of the Lord to give reasons. We [mortals] can put reasons to revelation. We can put reasons to commandments. When we do, we're on our own.
“Some people put reasons to [the priesthood ban] and they turned out to be spectacularly wrong. There is a lesson in that. . . . The lesson I've drawn from that, I decided a long time ago that I had faith in the command and I had no faith in the reasons that had been suggested for it. . . . I'm referring to reasons given by general authorities and reasons elaborated upon [those reasons] by others. The whole set of reasons seemed to me to be unnecessary risk taking. . . . Let's [not] make the mistake that's been made in the past, here and in other areas, trying to put reasons to revelation. The reasons turn out to be man-made to a great extent. The revelations are what we sustain as the will of the Lord and that's where safety lies.”[i]
Even though Elder Oaks was referring specifically to the priesthood ban in these remarks, he is teaching a valuable principle here that I believe can be applied to experiences we have with personal revelation: when we give a reason — or in other words, our limited, mortal opinion — for a revelation given to us by God, we can possibly take that revelation in a direction it wasn’t meant to go.
Indeed, we can even be spectacularly wrong.
Elder Richard G. Scott called these the “dead ends” of our own reasoning.[ii]
So, what can and should we do instead?
Even though Elder Oaks was referring specifically to the priesthood ban in these remarks, he is teaching a valuable principle here that I believe can be applied to experiences we have with personal revelation: when we give a reason — or in other words, our limited, mortal opinion — for a revelation given to us by God, we can possibly take that revelation in a direction it wasn’t meant to go.
Indeed, we can even be spectacularly wrong.
Elder Richard G. Scott called these the “dead ends” of our own reasoning.[ii]
So, what can and should we do instead?
Well for starters, we can learn something from Joseph, the son of Jacob from the Old Testament, who had some experiences with interpreting dreams.
One of those experiences involved the Pharaoh’s baker and butler. When they each asked him if he would explain the meaning of their strange dreams, he clarified, “Interpretations belong to God” (Genesis 40:8).
Joseph then shared with them his inspired conclusion: one of them would live and the other would be hanged.
Yet, the butler must not have fully understood how that whole thing happened. For two years later, Pharaoh himself was troubled by a dream and he said to Joseph, “I have heard say of thee (obviously from that butler who survived), that thou canst understand a dream to interpret it.”
Joseph corrected Pharaoh by saying, “’It is not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace’” (41:15-16).
It seems that Joseph understood what his role was. He realized that he didn’t have the knowledge or experience to fully understand what the Lord meant by the dream, nor what His further direction would be because of it. It was an idea that involved God’s higher thoughts and purposes from His eternal perspective. Joseph seemed to know that God is His own interpreter and He chooses if and when He will make His purposes known.[iii]
One of those experiences involved the Pharaoh’s baker and butler. When they each asked him if he would explain the meaning of their strange dreams, he clarified, “Interpretations belong to God” (Genesis 40:8).
Joseph then shared with them his inspired conclusion: one of them would live and the other would be hanged.
Yet, the butler must not have fully understood how that whole thing happened. For two years later, Pharaoh himself was troubled by a dream and he said to Joseph, “I have heard say of thee (obviously from that butler who survived), that thou canst understand a dream to interpret it.”
Joseph corrected Pharaoh by saying, “’It is not in me: God shall give Pharaoh an answer of peace’” (41:15-16).
It seems that Joseph understood what his role was. He realized that he didn’t have the knowledge or experience to fully understand what the Lord meant by the dream, nor what His further direction would be because of it. It was an idea that involved God’s higher thoughts and purposes from His eternal perspective. Joseph seemed to know that God is His own interpreter and He chooses if and when He will make His purposes known.[iii]
Years ago, I started noticing a pattern in the experiences of President Thomas S. Monson. Often he would feel impressed to go visit someone without knowing exactly why, or what he was going to say or do once he got there.
He shares one particularly poignant story about receiving a distinct prompting to go visit a good friend in the hospital who had recently lost the use of his legs from illness and surgery. He immediately set out for the hospital. When he arrived, the man was not in his room. After searching the hospital, he found him sitting in his wheelchair on the edge of the pool near the deep end.
President Monson shares, “I called to him, and he maneuvered his wheelchair over to greet me. We had an enjoyable visit, and I accompanied him back to his hospital room, where I gave him a blessing. I learned later from my friend that he had been utterly despondent that day and had been contemplating taking his own life. He had prayed for relief but began to feel that his prayers had gone unanswered. He went to the pool with the thought that this would be a way to end his misery — by guiding his wheelchair into the deep end of the pool. I had arrived at a critical moment, in response to what I know was inspiration from on high.”[iv]
It seems the Lord didn’t give President Monson the end with the beginning.
He did not tell him, “Go to the hospital right now because your friend is about to take his life.” He just prompted him to go. And when the Lord prompted him to go, Thomas Monson moved — much like Nephi, who was led by the Spirit, “not knowing beforehand” all the things the Lord would have him do (1 Nephi 4:6).
It seems President Monson also knew, as Joseph of Egypt did, that interpretations belong to God. His life was full of experiences where the Lord’s purposes could be accomplished because he acted on the inspiration and impressions that came to him without knowing all the details and without having to know the reasons behind why he was acting.
He shares one particularly poignant story about receiving a distinct prompting to go visit a good friend in the hospital who had recently lost the use of his legs from illness and surgery. He immediately set out for the hospital. When he arrived, the man was not in his room. After searching the hospital, he found him sitting in his wheelchair on the edge of the pool near the deep end.
President Monson shares, “I called to him, and he maneuvered his wheelchair over to greet me. We had an enjoyable visit, and I accompanied him back to his hospital room, where I gave him a blessing. I learned later from my friend that he had been utterly despondent that day and had been contemplating taking his own life. He had prayed for relief but began to feel that his prayers had gone unanswered. He went to the pool with the thought that this would be a way to end his misery — by guiding his wheelchair into the deep end of the pool. I had arrived at a critical moment, in response to what I know was inspiration from on high.”[iv]
It seems the Lord didn’t give President Monson the end with the beginning.
He did not tell him, “Go to the hospital right now because your friend is about to take his life.” He just prompted him to go. And when the Lord prompted him to go, Thomas Monson moved — much like Nephi, who was led by the Spirit, “not knowing beforehand” all the things the Lord would have him do (1 Nephi 4:6).
It seems President Monson also knew, as Joseph of Egypt did, that interpretations belong to God. His life was full of experiences where the Lord’s purposes could be accomplished because he acted on the inspiration and impressions that came to him without knowing all the details and without having to know the reasons behind why he was acting.
God is “pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints” (D&C 121:33). We are striving to be worthy and ready and willing to receive it. And when we have been divinely guided or warned or taught, we have a responsibility.
Yes, often, that responsibility often involves us doing something.
We often must act, follow, or obey.
But we don’t necessarily need to know why we are acting, following, or obeying in that moment. We don’t necessarily need to know where it is taking us or how it is all going to work out just yet. All of those things usually come later and sometimes simply are not what we think they are going to be.
As we learn more about how revelation works and what our role is supposed to be in it in relation to God’s role, we not only become better at it, but more at peace because we become more confident in our obedience to that revelation, regardless of what the specifics look like right now.
In the meantime, we can also learn to be more “still” and remember that He is an Almighty God (Psalms 46:10), and that the most important work to Him in all of eternity is to bless us with the greatest of happiness and purpose and peace – even our eventual immortality and eternal progression (Moses 1:32). He has that journey all figured out. He knows the "whys," the "wheres" and the "hows" of our experiences.
If we will truly trust Him, He can make all of it happen for our good.
[i] "Apostles Talk about Reasons for Lifting Ban," Daily Herald, Provo, Utah (5 June 1988): 21 (Associated Press); reproduced with commentary in Dallin H. Oaks, Life's Lessons Learned: Personal Reflections (Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret Book Co., 2011), p.68-69.
[ii] “Trust in the Lord,” Ensign, November, 1995
[iii] “God Moves in a Mysterious Way,” Hymns, 285
[iv] “Consider the Blessings,” Ensign, November 2012
[ii] “Trust in the Lord,” Ensign, November, 1995
[iii] “God Moves in a Mysterious Way,” Hymns, 285
[iv] “Consider the Blessings,” Ensign, November 2012
Years ago, a student of mine named Becca was having a cooking party with some of her Chinese friends. They were going to make some authentic Chinese food, and Becca was going to make them some authentic American food: chocolate chip cookies.
As she was carefully following her mom’s tried and true chocolate chip cookie recipe, Becca’s Chinese friend came over and, pointing to the piece of paper she was looking at, said, “Becca, what is that?”
“This?” she asked. “It’s a recipe.”
“What is a recipe?” he asked.
“It’s the instructions I use to make my cookies.”
“Do you always use one of those?”
She told him she did. And then he said to her, “Oh, in my country, we don’t use those. We cook by feel.”
“I thought that was interesting,” Becca shared. “But I went back to making my cookies the way I always do — measuring everything carefully, leveling the flour with a knife, making sure I was adding the ingredients in the exact order they were listed on my recipe. I know that if I want my cookies to turn out like my Mom’s, then I have to follow the recipe exactly.
“A moment later my friend came back over to me and asked, ‘Can I ask you another question, Becca?’
“I said, ‘Sure.’
“‘Do you live your life that way, too?’
“I was so surprised at his question. But I found myself half-smiling and answering, ‘Um . . . yeah . . . maybe I do.’”
Becca then shared with me, “As I thought later about his question, I realized that is how I live my life. I couldn’t believe it. I want to be in control of everything, making sure I can control the outcome. I hate surprises. And so, I plan things out in my life, ‘measuring’ everything carefully and in the exact order, trying to make sure that things happen exactly the way I want them to. And I do this all the time. I don’t have a clue how to live ‘by feel.’”
As I have thought more about Becca's experience, I have discovered that her approach to life could be one reason all of us might struggle at some point in our lives.
Sometimes, we try to live by a “recipe,” much like we would carefully follow a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. I call it being “recipe-driven,” and it usually involves this mentality: “If I do A then B then C, then surely I will get D.”
In other words, we expect that a certain and specific investment of our time, energy, ability, or even faith will produce a certain and specific outcome.
As she was carefully following her mom’s tried and true chocolate chip cookie recipe, Becca’s Chinese friend came over and, pointing to the piece of paper she was looking at, said, “Becca, what is that?”
“This?” she asked. “It’s a recipe.”
“What is a recipe?” he asked.
“It’s the instructions I use to make my cookies.”
“Do you always use one of those?”
She told him she did. And then he said to her, “Oh, in my country, we don’t use those. We cook by feel.”
“I thought that was interesting,” Becca shared. “But I went back to making my cookies the way I always do — measuring everything carefully, leveling the flour with a knife, making sure I was adding the ingredients in the exact order they were listed on my recipe. I know that if I want my cookies to turn out like my Mom’s, then I have to follow the recipe exactly.
“A moment later my friend came back over to me and asked, ‘Can I ask you another question, Becca?’
“I said, ‘Sure.’
“‘Do you live your life that way, too?’
“I was so surprised at his question. But I found myself half-smiling and answering, ‘Um . . . yeah . . . maybe I do.’”
Becca then shared with me, “As I thought later about his question, I realized that is how I live my life. I couldn’t believe it. I want to be in control of everything, making sure I can control the outcome. I hate surprises. And so, I plan things out in my life, ‘measuring’ everything carefully and in the exact order, trying to make sure that things happen exactly the way I want them to. And I do this all the time. I don’t have a clue how to live ‘by feel.’”
As I have thought more about Becca's experience, I have discovered that her approach to life could be one reason all of us might struggle at some point in our lives.
Sometimes, we try to live by a “recipe,” much like we would carefully follow a recipe for chocolate chip cookies. I call it being “recipe-driven,” and it usually involves this mentality: “If I do A then B then C, then surely I will get D.”
In other words, we expect that a certain and specific investment of our time, energy, ability, or even faith will produce a certain and specific outcome.
There's only one problem with this mentality.
Besides being an incredibly frustrating way to live, being recipe-driven actually hinders our growth and happiness in many ways – including socially, emotionally, professionally, academically, and spiritually.
Before we dive into how, let's look into what being recipe-driven might look like.
In all honesty, when it comes to being recipe-driven, the process is usually a little different for each of us, but the premise is largely the same.
We can be recipe-driven in relationships, jobs, and even callings. “I’ve got to be assistant manager by 28 and manager by 30, so I can take over the business at 35.” or “The girls have to have a spiritual experience on the night hike at camp.”
We can create recipes for gaining a testimony, repenting, or finding a spouse. “We have to visit all the church history sites or our children won't gain a strong testimony of the Restoration.”
Michelle and I have even recognized a recipe-like mentality in some of our parenting, thinking that there’s only one acceptable path of success or righteousness. With this mindset, a parent’s good intentions become a calculated effort to make sure a son is in baseball, student government, the honors society, and choir, or a daughter is popular, athletic, artistic, and spiritual — activities or character traits that almost become checklists for good parenting (or good kids).
Besides being an incredibly frustrating way to live, being recipe-driven actually hinders our growth and happiness in many ways – including socially, emotionally, professionally, academically, and spiritually.
Before we dive into how, let's look into what being recipe-driven might look like.
In all honesty, when it comes to being recipe-driven, the process is usually a little different for each of us, but the premise is largely the same.
We can be recipe-driven in relationships, jobs, and even callings. “I’ve got to be assistant manager by 28 and manager by 30, so I can take over the business at 35.” or “The girls have to have a spiritual experience on the night hike at camp.”
We can create recipes for gaining a testimony, repenting, or finding a spouse. “We have to visit all the church history sites or our children won't gain a strong testimony of the Restoration.”
Michelle and I have even recognized a recipe-like mentality in some of our parenting, thinking that there’s only one acceptable path of success or righteousness. With this mindset, a parent’s good intentions become a calculated effort to make sure a son is in baseball, student government, the honors society, and choir, or a daughter is popular, athletic, artistic, and spiritual — activities or character traits that almost become checklists for good parenting (or good kids).
One husband even shared: “I’ve figured out that somewhere in the back of my head I had a ‘recipe’ for a good marriage. I had very specific ‘ingredients’ that I thought had to be part of a marriage. They were silly ideas like if we truly had a good marriage, then we would discipline the same way, always be happy to see each other at the end of every day, or agree on how to invest our money. My wife and I have a great marriage, but often I have been frustrated with it without knowing why. I now realize it is because I thought that, without certain ingredients, my marriage wasn’t good or would possibly fail.”
It may already be obvious by now, but being recipe-driven robs us of many things including joy, peace, and gratitude.
Because life isn’t just about simply adding “ingredients” together in the right order to produce the results we want, trying to live by a recipe sets us up for a lot of disappointment, frustration, and even struggles with faith.
Our plans just don’t always go as planned.
We get sick on our mission and must come home.
We can’t figure out what to major in and it takes us seven years to finish college.
We don’t get the promotion we thought we would.
We’re 32 and still not married.
Our children won’t follow our “recipe” like they’re supposed to.
Our marriage has problems we never imagined it would.
We suffer from health problems that we never expected.
And then, just like when a batch of cookies doesn't turn out like we expected, we assume we must have done something wrong along the way!
In fact, an underlying factor in many of our recipes are our expectations: We expect our spouse to react a certain way; we expect a child to make a certain decision; we expect our conscientious efforts planning a family vacation will produce a perfect, stress-free, bonding experience for every member of our family. These unwritten, often unspoken, ideas can get in the way of reason. They can get in the way of our relationships. And they can certainly get in the way of revelation —especially if our expectations about others are actually about us.
It may already be obvious by now, but being recipe-driven robs us of many things including joy, peace, and gratitude.
Because life isn’t just about simply adding “ingredients” together in the right order to produce the results we want, trying to live by a recipe sets us up for a lot of disappointment, frustration, and even struggles with faith.
Our plans just don’t always go as planned.
We get sick on our mission and must come home.
We can’t figure out what to major in and it takes us seven years to finish college.
We don’t get the promotion we thought we would.
We’re 32 and still not married.
Our children won’t follow our “recipe” like they’re supposed to.
Our marriage has problems we never imagined it would.
We suffer from health problems that we never expected.
And then, just like when a batch of cookies doesn't turn out like we expected, we assume we must have done something wrong along the way!
In fact, an underlying factor in many of our recipes are our expectations: We expect our spouse to react a certain way; we expect a child to make a certain decision; we expect our conscientious efforts planning a family vacation will produce a perfect, stress-free, bonding experience for every member of our family. These unwritten, often unspoken, ideas can get in the way of reason. They can get in the way of our relationships. And they can certainly get in the way of revelation —especially if our expectations about others are actually about us.
One mother shared this interesting story about being recipe-driven:
“A few years ago when our oldest son came home from his mission, I was surprised to find myself feeling hurt, frustrated with my family, and even a little disappointed with my missionary. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. It should have been such a glorious reunion. We were all so happy he was home. And yet I had all sorts of insecure emotions in my heart. I later realized that I had created expectations of the experience. I expected our reunion to go a certain way. I expected our son to act a certain way. I even expected our family to shape up a little bit and behave better than normal so that we could be one big happy family. And I didn’t even know I had those expectations!
“However, because it wasn’t quite happening the way I expected, I felt incredibly disappointed and frustrated with the whole experience. I also later recognized that because of those expectations, I was missing out on the other wonderful experiences our family was having. I wasn’t noticing the ways he had grown and changed. I was also not as in tune as I could have been to what I might need to do or say to help our son transition after his mission the way he needed to. I was just hung up on what wasn’t happening.”
Being recipe-driven is a mentality that focuses far more on outcomes and outward successes than on experiences and the benefit of a process. It causes us to become so set on the way we think things should be done — on our “recipe” — that we don’t want to consider another plan or that we might be wrong. And sometimes, because of this mindset, our spiritual efforts become rote checklists that are disconnected from genuine efforts of the heart such as patience, compassion, learning how to be guided by the Spirit, and faith in the Savior.
In fact, there’s really no room for mistakes, learning experiences, or even personal revelation in these recipes we create for life, all of which seems so contrary to the doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
One mother shared this interesting story about being recipe-driven:
“A few years ago when our oldest son came home from his mission, I was surprised to find myself feeling hurt, frustrated with my family, and even a little disappointed with my missionary. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. It should have been such a glorious reunion. We were all so happy he was home. And yet I had all sorts of insecure emotions in my heart. I later realized that I had created expectations of the experience. I expected our reunion to go a certain way. I expected our son to act a certain way. I even expected our family to shape up a little bit and behave better than normal so that we could be one big happy family. And I didn’t even know I had those expectations!
“However, because it wasn’t quite happening the way I expected, I felt incredibly disappointed and frustrated with the whole experience. I also later recognized that because of those expectations, I was missing out on the other wonderful experiences our family was having. I wasn’t noticing the ways he had grown and changed. I was also not as in tune as I could have been to what I might need to do or say to help our son transition after his mission the way he needed to. I was just hung up on what wasn’t happening.”
Being recipe-driven is a mentality that focuses far more on outcomes and outward successes than on experiences and the benefit of a process. It causes us to become so set on the way we think things should be done — on our “recipe” — that we don’t want to consider another plan or that we might be wrong. And sometimes, because of this mindset, our spiritual efforts become rote checklists that are disconnected from genuine efforts of the heart such as patience, compassion, learning how to be guided by the Spirit, and faith in the Savior.
In fact, there’s really no room for mistakes, learning experiences, or even personal revelation in these recipes we create for life, all of which seems so contrary to the doctrines of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
In our efforts to control and organize our lives, we, instead, create rigid parameters and even bondage.
Consider this:
This is a brief discussion on what being recipe-driven looks like.
Have there been thoughts that have come to your mind about your own life?
Have you recognized ways you may have created a recipe for a certain experience?
Or can you maybe now see reasons you might be feeling frustrated with something in your life or struggling with your faith because a situation didn’t turn out the way you expected?
When we recognize our recipes, we recognize much more than our unrealistic plans.
We begin to recognize reasons our relationships are suffering.
We begin to realize why we are feeling hopeless.
And we even begin to understand why our faith is wavering.
And I have discovered that it's often not because of something we are doing wrong or something wrong in our lives, but rather these unrealistic outcomes we are expecting in our lives.
Once we start to recognize these expectations, we can begin the process of rewriting the hopes and plans for our lives - which usually involves having (or praying for) the humility to ask the Lord to refine our expectations, broaden our understanding, open our eyes, and educate our desires (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, “According to the Desires of Our Hearts).
It is an incredible journey to go on and so worth taking.
Consider this:
- What if we are convinced that our daughter has to be in a certain preschool?
- Will we discern a prompting to go visit a neighbor if we are determined that today’s recipe of getting the garage cleaned out has to be fulfilled?
- Will we notice a teaching opportunity with our son if all we are focused on is that the bathroom sink gets fixed?
- Will we be open to other financial priorities if all we are willing to focus on is getting out of debt?
- If taking over the family business has always been part of the plan, will we consider other paths?
- If we have set certain expectations on how a date should go, and it goes the exact opposite, will we be willing to give that person another chance?
- If we have already figured out the one track to success for our daughter, will we listen when she wants to play the cello instead of play soccer?
- If we are sure that our son will only have a good experience on his mission if he gets called to the foreign country he has been dreaming about since he was young, will we be able to reassure him when he doesn’t?
- If a death or tragedy “was not supposed to happen to our family,” will we be able to feel the Lord’s comfort or reassurance as we go through the anger and disappointment and feelings of betrayal?
This is a brief discussion on what being recipe-driven looks like.
Have there been thoughts that have come to your mind about your own life?
Have you recognized ways you may have created a recipe for a certain experience?
Or can you maybe now see reasons you might be feeling frustrated with something in your life or struggling with your faith because a situation didn’t turn out the way you expected?
When we recognize our recipes, we recognize much more than our unrealistic plans.
We begin to recognize reasons our relationships are suffering.
We begin to realize why we are feeling hopeless.
And we even begin to understand why our faith is wavering.
And I have discovered that it's often not because of something we are doing wrong or something wrong in our lives, but rather these unrealistic outcomes we are expecting in our lives.
Once we start to recognize these expectations, we can begin the process of rewriting the hopes and plans for our lives - which usually involves having (or praying for) the humility to ask the Lord to refine our expectations, broaden our understanding, open our eyes, and educate our desires (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, “According to the Desires of Our Hearts).
It is an incredible journey to go on and so worth taking.
I am often asked by young single adults, “How do I know if I’m really in love?”
Today’s discussion shares one way young people – and anyone really who is in a relationship – can with more surety know if they are really in love.
And it has to do with understanding the connection between the doctrine of the body, the law of chastity, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Let’s start with a question:
What would have become of us had Christ not atoned for our sins and granted us a redemption and resurrection?
The Book of Mormon prophet Jacob gave a pretty clear answer: “If the flesh should rise no more our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the Eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more. And our spirits must have become like unto him, and we become devils, angels to a devil, to be shut out from the presence of our God, and to remain with the father of lies, in misery, like unto himself . . . “ (2 Nephi 9:8-9).
Today’s discussion shares one way young people – and anyone really who is in a relationship – can with more surety know if they are really in love.
And it has to do with understanding the connection between the doctrine of the body, the law of chastity, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Let’s start with a question:
What would have become of us had Christ not atoned for our sins and granted us a redemption and resurrection?
The Book of Mormon prophet Jacob gave a pretty clear answer: “If the flesh should rise no more our spirits must become subject to that angel who fell from before the presence of the Eternal God, and became the devil, to rise no more. And our spirits must have become like unto him, and we become devils, angels to a devil, to be shut out from the presence of our God, and to remain with the father of lies, in misery, like unto himself . . . “ (2 Nephi 9:8-9).
In the simplest terms, without Christ’s Atonement, we would have become devils: without a body, miserable, shut out, hopeless, and angels to the devil.
Now, as horrible as all of that may sound, that “no body” part is possibly the most important.
God sent us here to be tested in order to learn and progress. And we are able to be tested because we have bodies. Those bodies can bring joy and they can also bring pain. The Savior’s Atonement assured that we could keep these bodies and have them perfected in the next life on the conditions that we understand their purpose, take care of them, and use repentance when we sin, among other things.
Because Christ paid that ransom from death and hell and subjection to the devil, He became the owner of our bodies.
Paul reminds us: “Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Thus, our bodies are not our own. They are Christ’s.
That may seem logical on paper.
But how does that work in real life?
Now, as horrible as all of that may sound, that “no body” part is possibly the most important.
God sent us here to be tested in order to learn and progress. And we are able to be tested because we have bodies. Those bodies can bring joy and they can also bring pain. The Savior’s Atonement assured that we could keep these bodies and have them perfected in the next life on the conditions that we understand their purpose, take care of them, and use repentance when we sin, among other things.
Because Christ paid that ransom from death and hell and subjection to the devil, He became the owner of our bodies.
Paul reminds us: “Know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Thus, our bodies are not our own. They are Christ’s.
That may seem logical on paper.
But how does that work in real life?
Let me give a quick analogy.
The computer that I am typing on is my computer.
Why? Because I paid for it.
If I decide to loan it to someone, then as the owner I have the right to set parameters on how this computer can be used and for what purposes. I can say I don’t want a certain program on it. I can say I don’t want it lent to someone else. I can also ask for an accounting of how it is being taken care of by the person I lent it to. Those are all realistic expectations if it is my computer.
One insight that I think that is really important in this analogy is that the borrower of the computer has an accountability to the owner of the computer. And the way that computer is treated often reflects, at least to some degree, how he feels about the owner. If the computer is misused, lent out without permission, or even broken, the relationship between the lender and the borrower can become damaged.
And that’s not necessarily because the owner has done anything wrong.
It is usually because of how the borrower misused the computer. Maybe he feels bad that something happened to it, or guilty he didn’t take better care of it. She might avoid the owner or begin to dislike him because of how she feels about herself when thinking about the damaged computer. Some even become angry with the owner for having such ridiculous expectations about his computer.
Again, notice the owner has not done anything but loan out his computer with some requirements.
The computer that I am typing on is my computer.
Why? Because I paid for it.
If I decide to loan it to someone, then as the owner I have the right to set parameters on how this computer can be used and for what purposes. I can say I don’t want a certain program on it. I can say I don’t want it lent to someone else. I can also ask for an accounting of how it is being taken care of by the person I lent it to. Those are all realistic expectations if it is my computer.
One insight that I think that is really important in this analogy is that the borrower of the computer has an accountability to the owner of the computer. And the way that computer is treated often reflects, at least to some degree, how he feels about the owner. If the computer is misused, lent out without permission, or even broken, the relationship between the lender and the borrower can become damaged.
And that’s not necessarily because the owner has done anything wrong.
It is usually because of how the borrower misused the computer. Maybe he feels bad that something happened to it, or guilty he didn’t take better care of it. She might avoid the owner or begin to dislike him because of how she feels about herself when thinking about the damaged computer. Some even become angry with the owner for having such ridiculous expectations about his computer.
Again, notice the owner has not done anything but loan out his computer with some requirements.
Can you see how this analogy can be applied to what we have been talking about?
Because our bodies are not our own, because they have been bought with a heavy price by the Savior, we are not only given expectations of how we should care for them, but we also need permission from Him on what can be done with them.
In this context, the law of chastity is directly connected to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The most precious blood was sacrificed so that can have a body and have it perfected like our Father's.
And we don’t own it. He does.
And He must be the one that gives divine sanction for its use. This divine sanction not only applies to how we personally care for our own bodies, but also to what we allow others to do to our bodies and to what we do to other’s bodies.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught:
“We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction abuses the very soul of that individual, abuses the central purpose and processes of life. . . . In exploiting the body of another—which means exploiting his or her soul—one desecrates the Atonement of Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life. And when one mocks the Son of Righteousness, one steps into a realm of heat hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned.” (“Personal Purity,” Ensign, Nov. 1998)
Because our bodies are not our own, because they have been bought with a heavy price by the Savior, we are not only given expectations of how we should care for them, but we also need permission from Him on what can be done with them.
In this context, the law of chastity is directly connected to the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The most precious blood was sacrificed so that can have a body and have it perfected like our Father's.
And we don’t own it. He does.
And He must be the one that gives divine sanction for its use. This divine sanction not only applies to how we personally care for our own bodies, but also to what we allow others to do to our bodies and to what we do to other’s bodies.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland taught:
“We declare that one who uses the God-given body of another without divine sanction abuses the very soul of that individual, abuses the central purpose and processes of life. . . . In exploiting the body of another—which means exploiting his or her soul—one desecrates the Atonement of Christ, which saved that soul and which makes possible the gift of eternal life. And when one mocks the Son of Righteousness, one steps into a realm of heat hotter and holier than the noonday sun. You cannot do so and not be burned.” (“Personal Purity,” Ensign, Nov. 1998)
This leads us to the initial question about love.
Love has much more to do with respect for our bodies – and Whose they are – than we may realize.
The Savior taught through His prophet Alma: “See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12).
Notice the verb used in this sentence. It doesn’t say ignore all your passions. It doesn’t say remove them, nor does it say extinguish them. It says bridle them.
These passions are good. They have a divine source, for they were placed inside of us by our Heavenly Father. He even commanded Adam and Eve to become one flesh; He gave divine sanction for them to become one. When divine sanction or command is given then the fullness of the blessings can also be received.
These passions just need to be contained.
They need parameters.
They need permission.
Elder David A. Bednar says it this way. “Love increases through righteous restraint and decreases through impulsive indulgence.” (“We Believe in Being Chaste,” Ensign, April 2013)
I am 100% convinced this is true.
The way we can tell if we are really in love is to contain or set parameters around our passions. Love increases through restraint borne of respect, understanding, gratitude, and obedience.
Love has much more to do with respect for our bodies – and Whose they are – than we may realize.
The Savior taught through His prophet Alma: “See that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12).
Notice the verb used in this sentence. It doesn’t say ignore all your passions. It doesn’t say remove them, nor does it say extinguish them. It says bridle them.
These passions are good. They have a divine source, for they were placed inside of us by our Heavenly Father. He even commanded Adam and Eve to become one flesh; He gave divine sanction for them to become one. When divine sanction or command is given then the fullness of the blessings can also be received.
These passions just need to be contained.
They need parameters.
They need permission.
Elder David A. Bednar says it this way. “Love increases through righteous restraint and decreases through impulsive indulgence.” (“We Believe in Being Chaste,” Ensign, April 2013)
I am 100% convinced this is true.
The way we can tell if we are really in love is to contain or set parameters around our passions. Love increases through restraint borne of respect, understanding, gratitude, and obedience.
Let me share a real-life example.
One day I was substituting for one of my colleagues, and I decided to teach this lesson about the connection between the law of chastity and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
We talked about our bodies not being our own and that we do not have the right to share them nor use other’s bodies without divine sanction and permission.
We then talked about kissing. I shared with my students that the real purpose of a kiss – and I think what it’s divine purpose has always been - is to express love or affection for another person. The purpose of a kiss is not to be selfish; it’s not meant to only satisfy the one initiating the kiss.
I then challenged any students who were currently in a relationship or dating someone exclusively to take a two week break from kissing and see how they feel about each other during this time.
Well, about a week after the class, I was sitting in my office and I looked over and there was a note sliding under my door. I jumped up and opened the door and there was a young man standing up to walk away. I invited him in and asked what I could do for him.
He said, “Do you remember subbing for my class the other day?” I said yes.
He then shared, “I sat there and listened to the things that you taught and I wondered if I really love my girlfriend. We have been dating for about 5 months and I know that I like to kiss her, but I wondered, ‘Do I love her?’ I decided that I was not going to kiss her for a while and if I really felt I should, that it would only be a peck on the cheek or on the forehead. Well, I had to come and share with you what has happened. I have felt more love for her in the last week than I have in the last five months combined. I can't believe it. It works! This really is how it works.”
I was so grateful he had "experimented upon the word" (Alma 32:27) for himself.
And I was so grateful he came and shared it with me. It was such a powerful example of how true love is borne from something more than physical pleasure. And so, the next week, I decided to share his experience in my own marriage preparation classes.
A few days later, a young lady came to talk to me. She sat down and proceeded to tell me that the story I had shared in class was about her boyfriend.
I had no idea! And I immediately thought, “Oh no, maybe I shouldn’t have shared it.”
But then she said, “My boyfriend didn’t tell me about the lesson you taught in his class. He just stopped kissing me. And so I thought for sure that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was going to break up with me.”
She then shared this powerful thought: “Part way through the week, he walked me to the door and gave me a simple peck on the forehead. I felt so loved at that moment. In fact, I have felt more loved in the last couple of weeks then in all the months we've been dating!” She had no idea that her boyfriend had said almost exactly the same words to me a few days before.
One day I was substituting for one of my colleagues, and I decided to teach this lesson about the connection between the law of chastity and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
We talked about our bodies not being our own and that we do not have the right to share them nor use other’s bodies without divine sanction and permission.
We then talked about kissing. I shared with my students that the real purpose of a kiss – and I think what it’s divine purpose has always been - is to express love or affection for another person. The purpose of a kiss is not to be selfish; it’s not meant to only satisfy the one initiating the kiss.
I then challenged any students who were currently in a relationship or dating someone exclusively to take a two week break from kissing and see how they feel about each other during this time.
Well, about a week after the class, I was sitting in my office and I looked over and there was a note sliding under my door. I jumped up and opened the door and there was a young man standing up to walk away. I invited him in and asked what I could do for him.
He said, “Do you remember subbing for my class the other day?” I said yes.
He then shared, “I sat there and listened to the things that you taught and I wondered if I really love my girlfriend. We have been dating for about 5 months and I know that I like to kiss her, but I wondered, ‘Do I love her?’ I decided that I was not going to kiss her for a while and if I really felt I should, that it would only be a peck on the cheek or on the forehead. Well, I had to come and share with you what has happened. I have felt more love for her in the last week than I have in the last five months combined. I can't believe it. It works! This really is how it works.”
I was so grateful he had "experimented upon the word" (Alma 32:27) for himself.
And I was so grateful he came and shared it with me. It was such a powerful example of how true love is borne from something more than physical pleasure. And so, the next week, I decided to share his experience in my own marriage preparation classes.
A few days later, a young lady came to talk to me. She sat down and proceeded to tell me that the story I had shared in class was about her boyfriend.
I had no idea! And I immediately thought, “Oh no, maybe I shouldn’t have shared it.”
But then she said, “My boyfriend didn’t tell me about the lesson you taught in his class. He just stopped kissing me. And so I thought for sure that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was going to break up with me.”
She then shared this powerful thought: “Part way through the week, he walked me to the door and gave me a simple peck on the forehead. I felt so loved at that moment. In fact, I have felt more loved in the last couple of weeks then in all the months we've been dating!” She had no idea that her boyfriend had said almost exactly the same words to me a few days before.
President Spencer W. Kimball taught that “even if timely courtship justifies a kiss, it should be a clean, decent, sexless one like the kiss between mother and son, or father and daughter.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 281).
Now, as you read this, that may seem kind of weird or even gross. Or maybe you are thinking, "Well, none of us will ever get married if we kiss like that!"
But consider this: I have six daughters and I love each one of them with all of my soul. They mean everything to me. I would do whatever I could to make sure they are safe, loved, and taken care of. All throughout their lives, before they went to bed or left the house, I would give them a kiss on the head. It has even become such a routine that when I come over to give them a kiss, they just automatically put they head towards me.
Why do I give them a kiss?
Because I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart and soul.
Because I want them to know I would do anything for them.
I wonder if that may have been what President Kimball was talking about: that when a kiss is given, it should be out of this kind of love, a true love not just to satisfy one’s own desire, but to express these kinds of genuine, tender feelings.
Now, as you read this, that may seem kind of weird or even gross. Or maybe you are thinking, "Well, none of us will ever get married if we kiss like that!"
But consider this: I have six daughters and I love each one of them with all of my soul. They mean everything to me. I would do whatever I could to make sure they are safe, loved, and taken care of. All throughout their lives, before they went to bed or left the house, I would give them a kiss on the head. It has even become such a routine that when I come over to give them a kiss, they just automatically put they head towards me.
Why do I give them a kiss?
Because I want them to know that I love them with all of my heart and soul.
Because I want them to know I would do anything for them.
I wonder if that may have been what President Kimball was talking about: that when a kiss is given, it should be out of this kind of love, a true love not just to satisfy one’s own desire, but to express these kinds of genuine, tender feelings.
To know if you are really in love – and not what the world calls love but the kind of love that has divine sanction – is an important thing to know.
And you are more likely to really know if you are in love when you understand the gift your body really is, the price that was paid for it, the love your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ not only have for you but want you to experience for yourself, and the power that will come into your life when you keep passion within the divine parameters established for it.
Sister Wendy Watson Nelson testified: “Personal purity is the key to true love. The more pure your thoughts and feelings, your words and actions, the greater your capacity to give and receive true love. . . . Do whatever it takes to keep your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions pure. Invite the Spirit to guide you. . . . As you work to become more pure, you will have the Holy Ghost with you more and more. Your ability to receive personal revelation will increase, which means you’ll have clearer direction for your life. You’ll feel more peace and more joy, less lonely, and more hopeful about your future. . . “ (“Love and Marriage”, Jan. 8th 2017, Devotional for Young Adults)
Indeed, the purer your relationships are, the more peace you will feel, the more revelation you will receive, and the more true love you will experience.
To read more about this and other issues facing LDS Young Single Adults, click here.
And you are more likely to really know if you are in love when you understand the gift your body really is, the price that was paid for it, the love your Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ not only have for you but want you to experience for yourself, and the power that will come into your life when you keep passion within the divine parameters established for it.
Sister Wendy Watson Nelson testified: “Personal purity is the key to true love. The more pure your thoughts and feelings, your words and actions, the greater your capacity to give and receive true love. . . . Do whatever it takes to keep your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions pure. Invite the Spirit to guide you. . . . As you work to become more pure, you will have the Holy Ghost with you more and more. Your ability to receive personal revelation will increase, which means you’ll have clearer direction for your life. You’ll feel more peace and more joy, less lonely, and more hopeful about your future. . . “ (“Love and Marriage”, Jan. 8th 2017, Devotional for Young Adults)
Indeed, the purer your relationships are, the more peace you will feel, the more revelation you will receive, and the more true love you will experience.
To read more about this and other issues facing LDS Young Single Adults, click here.
In lieu of Valentine's Day this week - or what many of my students call "Single Awareness Day" - we are going to talk about relationships today.
For many years, I have watched young single adults ride the roller coaster of relationships. In the process of trying to find someone they want to spend not only the rest of this life with, but the rest of eternity, there are many ups and downs involved - indeed, some great highs and some pretty bad lows.
And for some, the dating ride lasts a whole long longer than they expected it would.
As crazy, exhilarating, and sometimes painful as that ride can be, I believe it is all part of the incredible learning experiences found in dating and courtship.
And, to be honest, I think that's really one of the purposes in all of it: there is so much to learn - about life, about others, about relationships, and especially about ourselves and our Creator - as we pursue and form genuine, meaningful relationships with other people. Indeed, all of our experiences can teach us something!
So in that spirit of learning, I will share some of the questions that I have been asked over the many years I have taught the "Preparing for an Eternal Marriage" class:
How do I know if I am really in love?
How do I know if this person is the right person?
How do I make such a huge decision that effects all of eternity?
Those are all very sincere and important questions to be asking.
And there are definitely some answers.
In fact, there are many truths that can help young single adults with these questions that have to do with agency, revelation, trust, and eternal perspective.
However, I believe there is another truth that, if understood better, would help these young people - and all of us who raise, teach, and guide them - to have greater understanding, a more positive experience, and much clearer direction and purpose during the dating, courtship, and engagement journey.
And it has to do with the doctrine of the body, the purpose of the physical part of relationships, and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Now, to really begin to answer these questions, there are a few foundational truths we need to lay.
The first is that one of the greatest blessings we could have in the relationship journey (and in life in general, for that matter) is to receive revelation throughout it. The ability to be guided, inspired, warned, and assured as we make the most important decisions of our lives is indispensable! It really is, as Sister Julie B. Beck taught, "the single most important skill that can be acquired in this life."
President Boyd K. Packer taught that "true doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior." When the doctrine of the body and physical intimacy is understood better, we choose better and we change our choices for the better. And when we choose better, revelation flows much better.
Moreover, when the physical part of a relationship is appropriate, then the physical part of the relationship isn’t getting in the way of revelation; it doesn't taint one's ability to truly tell if they are in love or if this person is the right person.
I often say to my children and students, "Just because you like to kiss someone or feel good about that person when you are snuggling next to them on a couch doesn’t necessarily mean that's a confirmation from the Spirit you should marry them. That is, instead, sometimes simply "hormonal revelation."
President Packer warned that the "spiritual part of us and the emotional part of us are so closely linked that it is possible to mistake an emotional impulse for something spiritual. We occasionally find people who receive what they assume to be spiritual promptings from God, when those promptings are either centered in the emotions or are from the adversary."
This is just one example of the "misunderstandings" I find young people have about physical relationships. There are a few others.
But I can say this: I don’t believe that the misunderstandings out there about the physical part of a relationship is completely their fault.
Because of the adversary's incessant efforts, there is so much confusion, deception, and misunderstanding regarding our physical bodies and physical attraction.
We live in a world that so publicly and constantly displays sexuality, we are literally bombarded with it. This constant presence of sensuality and sexual content causes great confusion and false perceptions. And the lines between appropriate and inappropriate, healthy and unhealthy, can become incredibly blurred for even the conscientious and faithful.
From this literal immersion in blatant immorality, some may also mistakenly begin to believe that sexuality, in and of itself, is bad - something to be hidden, completely avoided, or used as rebellion - because they do not feel good when they see or hear it around them. When really it is that kind of sexuality – the world’s unbridled, promiscuous sexuality outside of covenants – that is wrong.
We also as parents and leaders might make the mistake that because the world is talking about sexual things so openly, we shouldn’t talk about them at all. Or when we talk about sexual relations to our children and teenagers, or teach about it to the young men and young women, we group it with other things like drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and pornography – things that are not good for us no matter what the circumstance is.
And yet physical intimacy, unlike any of those things, is part of God’s plan for His children. Unlike any of those things, it should be part of our lives because it is part of the marriage covenant. It is the power through which the Father brings to pass the immortality and eternal life of man!
And so we must be careful which lens we use to show it and teach about it with those we love.
Elder Lynn G. Robbins gives this great insight:
"Youth often grow up with an incorrect understanding of intimacy and an unhealthy attitude toward it because it is often treated as a taboo topic rather than as a sacred one. Because intimacy in marriage is beautiful, sacred, and ordained of God, it is important to understand that sexual sin isn’t the use of something inherently bad but the misuse of something inherently good and beautiful.”
Whether or not we, or our young people, fully understand or appreciate just how inherently good and beautiful this power really is, Satan surely does. He understands exactly what it is and its importance in the eternal scheme of things. And thus, it would seem, that of all his evil efforts, he would cause as much confusion, deception and misunderstanding about this power and blessing as he can. Indeed, it would seem that one of his greatest goals for that confusion, deception, and misunderstanding would be for them to eventually lead to fear, insecurity, and even sexual sin.
President Gordon B. Hinckley shed some light on this point:
President Gordon B. Hinckley shed some light on this point:
"And now just a word on the most common and most difficult of all problems for you young men and young women to handle. It is the relationship that you have with one another.
"You are dealing with the most powerful of human instincts. Only the will to live possible exceeds it. The Lord has made us attractive to one another for a great purpose. But this very attraction becomes as a powder keg unless it is kept under control.
"It is beautiful when handled in the right way. It is deadly if it gets out of hand."
Think about that: such a powerful God-given instinct that only the will to live possible exceeds it. It can be beautiful and, yet, deadly. And Satan already knows this, too.
With all of this in mind, it would seem incredibly beneficial to understand better the purpose and sacredness of our physical bodies and of our physical, intimate relationships so that they can be a great blessing in our lives and not a downfall.
Next week, we will continue our discussion and learn more about the doctrine of the body, how the Law of Chastity and the Atonement of Jesus Christ are connected, and how all of this has everything to do with love.
To read more about this and other issues facing LDS Young Single Adults, click here.
by Michelle
Several years ago I ran into a friend at the grocery store that I hadn’t seen in a while. As we got to talking, this friend shared with me the most interesting experience.
She said that a few months earlier she had been praying for ways she could serve her family better. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been serving her family. She is an amazing woman with four kids who does so much for and genuinely cares about her family. But she was just feeling that maybe there was more she could be doing or at least something that might make her service more meaningful.
She then said this: “And then I broke my leg! I couldn’t believe it!”
I couldn’t believe it either.
Several years ago I ran into a friend at the grocery store that I hadn’t seen in a while. As we got to talking, this friend shared with me the most interesting experience.
She said that a few months earlier she had been praying for ways she could serve her family better. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been serving her family. She is an amazing woman with four kids who does so much for and genuinely cares about her family. But she was just feeling that maybe there was more she could be doing or at least something that might make her service more meaningful.
She then said this: “And then I broke my leg! I couldn’t believe it!”
I couldn’t believe it either.
But my friend went on to say something like this:
“As I sat there at the doctor's office getting it casted, I remembered the prayer that had been ascending to heaven for several months asking the Lord to help me know how I could serve my family better. How was I going to serve my family now? I was very discouraged and felt that, with everything that was going on in our lives at that time, it was probably the worst timing possible.
Well, an interesting thing happened over those next 2 months as I recovered and healed. My husband and children had to do so much more in our home and for me than they had to do before. Everyone had to step up and fill in the many gaps created on a daily basis from my inability to do even some of my basic responsibilities.
And then one day it hit me.
Could this be the answer to my prayer?
Could this be how I could serve my family more meaningfully:
by giving them the opportunity to learn and grow through serving me?
"I have seen so much growth in my children. I’ve watched a greater compassion and love develop in my husband. There has been greater unity in our family as we all work together to make our family run.
It wasn't a cakewalk by any means. There were definitely some very difficult days and I felt discouraged and frustrated often, but as I look back on that experience I can see that, at that moment in our family, the greatest service that I could do for them was to teach them how to become more aware of and strive to meet others' needs.”
This experience that my friend shared with me years ago has come to my mind often and has caused me to ponder about how the Lord works in our lives. And I, too, have realized that sometimes the answer to our prayers just doesn't look like the answer.
And one very good reason for that could be because we worship a God who can see so much more than we can see and who knows so much more than we know.
This godly power and ability could be represented by a simple diagram.
This experience that my friend shared with me years ago has come to my mind often and has caused me to ponder about how the Lord works in our lives. And I, too, have realized that sometimes the answer to our prayers just doesn't look like the answer.
And one very good reason for that could be because we worship a God who can see so much more than we can see and who knows so much more than we know.
This godly power and ability could be represented by a simple diagram.
Imagine that the little dot above the word “present” in this diagram is each one of us.
The triangle over us represents the limit of what we can see and understand as a mortal here on earth. This perspective could include the knowledge we gain, the experiences we have, the things we learn from others, the things we see and hear both first-hand and through media, our memories, our education, our opportunity, etc.
Simply put, that triangle could be the scope of our understanding.
Now imagine that the triangle starting at the top and coming down from God symbolizes what He can see and understand.
How much can we see? Not a lot. How big is our sphere of understanding? Not very big.
But, what can God see? Everything.
All things are present before His eyes (D&C 38:2).
The past, present, and future (D&C 130:6-7).
And not just of our lives, but of the whole earth and every person who has been or ever will live on the earth.
Thus, how big is His sphere of understanding? Bigger than everything.
He can see and comprehend all things. He has no limitations.
Indeed, the Prophet Joseph taught that "the past, the present, and the future were and are, with Him, one eternal ‘now.’” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 220; History of the Church,4:597).
So, when God says His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9), He is speaking very literally.
The triangle over us represents the limit of what we can see and understand as a mortal here on earth. This perspective could include the knowledge we gain, the experiences we have, the things we learn from others, the things we see and hear both first-hand and through media, our memories, our education, our opportunity, etc.
Simply put, that triangle could be the scope of our understanding.
Now imagine that the triangle starting at the top and coming down from God symbolizes what He can see and understand.
How much can we see? Not a lot. How big is our sphere of understanding? Not very big.
But, what can God see? Everything.
All things are present before His eyes (D&C 38:2).
The past, present, and future (D&C 130:6-7).
And not just of our lives, but of the whole earth and every person who has been or ever will live on the earth.
Thus, how big is His sphere of understanding? Bigger than everything.
He can see and comprehend all things. He has no limitations.
Indeed, the Prophet Joseph taught that "the past, the present, and the future were and are, with Him, one eternal ‘now.’” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p. 220; History of the Church,4:597).
So, when God says His ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9), He is speaking very literally.
Regardless of how much we believe we see and understand,
it is so minuscule in comparison to what God sees.
And that means that sometimes the answer we are looking for, the answer we are desperately seeking from the Lord, is found somewhere outside of our vision, somewhere outside of our current sphere of understanding, indeed, somewhere, outside of our triangle, and so we can't see or understand how it could possibly be an answer.
That's where trust comes in - something that is often difficult and somewhat foreign to the natural, mortal beings that we are. Faith and trust both involve believing in things hoped for and having confidence in things not seen or understood (see Hebrews 11).
Sometimes, we will recognize God's hand quickly, like my friend did when she broke her leg, and we will realize that He truly was listening and He truly did answer and bless us.
Sometimes, it takes us years to uncover why the Lord did or didn’t do something as we expected in that moment.
And sometimes, this realization takes what seems like a lifetime as one day we look back at our lives and see His divine signature consistently weaving its way through our journey.
However, we are promised that as we use our agency to sanctify ourselves more, to seek His Spirit more, to fill our lives with more truth, and to not only turn to God more in all the different facets of our lives but turn our praise and others’ praise to Him, our “whole bodies shall be filled with light . . . and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things” (D&C 88:63-68).
The closer we draw to God, the bigger our triangle becomes.
The bigger our triangle becomes, the more we can see and understand.
The more we see and understand, the more we are changed . . . until one day in the distant future, because of His atoning power, we have "become like Him . . . purified even as he is pure," even a completely "new creature" who knows and understands all things (Moroni 7:48; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Words of Mormon 1:7; John 18:4).
To read more about this and other topics relating to discipleship in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, visit our other discussion pages by clicking here.
The bigger our triangle becomes, the more we can see and understand.
The more we see and understand, the more we are changed . . . until one day in the distant future, because of His atoning power, we have "become like Him . . . purified even as he is pure," even a completely "new creature" who knows and understands all things (Moroni 7:48; 2 Corinthians 5:17; Words of Mormon 1:7; John 18:4).
To read more about this and other topics relating to discipleship in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, visit our other discussion pages by clicking here.
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Blog Authors
Stephen & Michelle Hunsaker
Stephen teaches at the Logan Institute of Religion for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and has been teaching for over 26 years.
Michelle is a full-time mom who enjoys reading, writing, teaching, and anything and everything to do with musicals.
They are the parents of ten children and authors of the book : Boxing the Lord In and Other Ways We Hinder Revelation.
Michelle is a full-time mom who enjoys reading, writing, teaching, and anything and everything to do with musicals.
They are the parents of ten children and authors of the book : Boxing the Lord In and Other Ways We Hinder Revelation.
Their hope is that each week through the thoughts and ideas they share in this blog, you can become more "vertically connected" in your lives. They seek to see and share "things as they really are" and "as they really will be" (Jacob 4:13) by learning how to build more and more on the sure foundation of the Savior, Jesus Christ and the doctrines and principles of His gospel.
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