So you've found someone that you enjoy being with.
You aren't "hanging out" anymore.
In fact, you are spending a lot of time together.
You rearrange your route, classes, or day just to see them. And after a while, you both realize something is there.
And so you begin "dating."
Remember, one of the main purposes of dating is to get to know someone well enough that you can make the most educated decision about the future of a relationship with that person.
That requires spending lots of time together, talking and learning, and sharing common experiences.
But it also requires that you start asking each other some direct questions.
Elder Robert D. Hales taught:
You aren't "hanging out" anymore.
In fact, you are spending a lot of time together.
You rearrange your route, classes, or day just to see them. And after a while, you both realize something is there.
And so you begin "dating."
Remember, one of the main purposes of dating is to get to know someone well enough that you can make the most educated decision about the future of a relationship with that person.
That requires spending lots of time together, talking and learning, and sharing common experiences.
But it also requires that you start asking each other some direct questions.
Elder Robert D. Hales taught:
“The track that leads to marriage passes through the terrain called dating! Dating is the opportunity for lengthy conversations. When you date, learn everything you can about each other. Get to know each other’s families when possible. Are your goals compatible? Do you share the same feelings about the commandments, the Savior, the priesthood, the temple, parenting, callings in the Church, and serving others? Have you observed one another under stress, responding to success and failure, resisting anger, and dealing with setbacks? Does the person you are dating tear others down or build them up? Is his or her attitude and language and conduct what you would like to live with every day?”
(October General Conference, 2015, "Meeting the Challenges of Today's World)
And so, with Elder Hales' counsel in mind, I have compiled 119 questions that couples can begin asking each other when they are dating exclusively and seriously.
Here's some preparation for them:
Here's some preparation for them:
- There is no magic formula as to when you should begin asking these questions. But if you go into a relationship knowing that it might get to the point where you will need to have some heartfelt discussions about important topics, you will know when it’s the right time.
- These questions help bring up important issues in a relationship, issues that need to be discussed before marriage and often even before engagement. They are things that need to be talked about, not just assumed. They not only teach us about the other person, they teach us about ourselves. They cause us to really think about things that will effect someone else when in a marital relationship. For these reasons, these are not questions to ask on a first date. You will scare that poor person away!
- As you both go through the process of talking about these topics, you will find commonalities and differences. Again, some of those differences might not be a huge deal. But others might be something not easily fixed. That will be something you both will have to work through. And it is SO much easier to work through them when you are just dating. (I was motivated to compile this list also because of the sheer number of engaged couples I have talked with who were having problems because some of these issues weren’t brought up before they got engaged and the wedding plans had already begun.)
- This process will be most beneficial if these questions are answered with absolute honesty, not with what you think the other person wants to hear. When we are considering spending the rest of our lives and into eternity with someone, we better make sure they know us for who we really are and how we really think about things. Honesty can also acknowledge that, though we are still working through something, faith and devotion are in place to have a change of heart or accept something that is hard for us to accept. None of us are perfectly sound in every gospel principle or doctrine. At least not yet.
- Don’t get intimidated by how many questions there are. Take them in chunks if you have to. Just make sure you get through them all if your relationship is still progressing.
119 Questions
(To download these questions in a Word document, click below.)
| 119_questions_couples_should_ask.docx |
This is by no means an exhaustive list, though that may have been really exhausting!
But it helps you make sure you are using your dating and courtship to truly get to know each other.
And maybe one last thought:
These questions are not meant to help you find the "perfect spouse."
If you are looking for the perfect – or perfectly matched – spouse, you will probably stay single for a long time.
Elder Hales concluded his previously quoted counsel with this:
"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.”
And potential is recognized and realized only with divine help.
The reality is: humility, repentance, faith, patience, trust, forgiveness, hope, and love are what make a relationship work.
All of which take an incredible amount of work on our part and faith in the Savior.
And so maybe more important than finding someone who answers all of those 107 questions "right" is finding someone who is seeking to understand what it will take to not only make a marriage work, but to access the heavenly power that makes our potential a reality.
Elder Richard G. Scott also taught:
But it helps you make sure you are using your dating and courtship to truly get to know each other.
And maybe one last thought:
These questions are not meant to help you find the "perfect spouse."
If you are looking for the perfect – or perfectly matched – spouse, you will probably stay single for a long time.
Elder Hales concluded his previously quoted counsel with this:
"None of us marry perfection; we marry potential.”
And potential is recognized and realized only with divine help.
The reality is: humility, repentance, faith, patience, trust, forgiveness, hope, and love are what make a relationship work.
All of which take an incredible amount of work on our part and faith in the Savior.
And so maybe more important than finding someone who answers all of those 107 questions "right" is finding someone who is seeking to understand what it will take to not only make a marriage work, but to access the heavenly power that makes our potential a reality.
Elder Richard G. Scott also taught:
“As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of oneself. I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.”
(Conference Report, Apr. 1999, 31; or Ensign, May 1999, 26)
And who knows?
Maybe that’s just what you will one day be doing with this amazing person you’ve been asking these questions to: further developing all of these wonderful attributes as husband and wife.
Maybe that’s just what you will one day be doing with this amazing person you’ve been asking these questions to: further developing all of these wonderful attributes as husband and wife.